I’m not doing well. It’s been building all week. Obsessive suicidal thoughts from the OCD are so intrusive it doesn’t matter if I’m engaged in conversation or activity. It’s always an option for me. Not that I want it, but I crave it with an obsession.
When talking with my doc today, she wants me to keep from isolating, take the benzo I have (which only makes me tired), and continue to use skills. The hospital is always there but she wants it as a farther last result.
But I’m working my butt off with skills. I’m exhausted from skills. I cried for hours yesterday at a safe place I stayed for hours. Finally could pact with myself to go home and just go to bed early. Hard but I still got to my outpatient program, where I heard the above from my doc.
Driving is dangerous, since I’m alone and crashing figures prominently in one of my obsessional visions.
Another example from today: I was at home picking up a couple things before going to a friend’s to be babysat basically. And I Almost overdosed. This is not funny. I’m so sick of this.
Sometimes they are just visions. Sometimes they are strong urges. I list reasons to stay, and when urges are strong the lists mean nothing.
I’m ashamed that I’m like this. But I can’t stop my brain. I just can’t.
I’ve been having an up and down time. In good news, my depression is lifting a little bit. I have a bit more energy. On a scale of 1 to 1o, I went from 2 to 3. Not much but noticeable!
More good news: while talking with my psychiatrist, my therapist from the morning program I’m in finally understood that even though my depression is lifting a little bit, my suicidal thoughts are not going away, and in fact are of an obsessive nature (OCD). I explained this to him, but he finally understood it. So, he is looking for skills or something that can maybe help me with the constant suicidality.
When asked to describe what it’s like to have these obsessive thoughts, I said, “It’s like always having a rat walking behind you. It doesn’t always nip your ankles, but sometimes it does. And it enjoys nipping at your ankles. The rat never leaves, just like the suicidal thoughts. You can never get rid of it. It’s always in your mind, but sometimes it bites (urges become strong). And the urges, the nipping, makes the rat, the thoughts, stronger.”
Maybe that image will help you understand what it is like to live my life. The thoughts never leave. The urges get stronger. The cycle never leaves. Ever.
Since discharge from the hospital, I’ve been in a M-F morning outpatient program. The therapist you get is randomly assigned. I was suspicious since specific therapies had worked for me over the last couple years (DBT and ACT). I did hear that this therapist knew those therapies very well, and even though the skills groups might contradict the therapies, at least my therapist should be a good fit. More on that later.
Over the last week and a half I’ve had a rough time in the program and keeping myself occupied and safe afterwards. It’s like a roller coaster because the week has been dragging me up toward something that works, then free-falling back toward suicidality. I’m very resistant and defiant to the therapy, skeptical that there is anything new under the sun that can help me pull my self out of this. That’s the carousel part: up and down and around in a circle with therapies and drugs to try to find something that will pull me out of this funk. There is nothing new under the sun in my experience at this point. I’m skeptical.
I found out from my dr (I’m back to seeing my regular outpatient dr) that I’m not being treating for depression at the doses I’m on. So, I’m basically in untreated bipolar depression. No Wonder I Feel Like Shit! She is slowly titrating drugs up. We won’t know if it works until it’s been at a therapeutic dose for several weeks. So, I have WEEKS until I’m treated and then more weeks to find out if this drug will work. I’m trying to hold out some hope that this isn’t yet another failure. This is basically the last possible antidepressant available to me. I have little hope.
Even though I’ve been very suicidal for days at a time over the weekend, enough to keep a packed bag in the car, my therapist wants me to stay out so he can work with me. He assures me that he is different. He knows the therapies I know. He knows my cycles that get me back into the hospital. And he’s also trying to call my bluff to see what I really, truly want to do: live or die. I honestly don’t know. In a perfect world, one I don’t live in, I want to live, yet without suicidal thoughts. Just a regular life with energy to do something interesting and lasting. This dream is elusive, especially for the last 4 days when I probably should have been in the hospital. Today, again confrontational, my therapist says not to be scared and jump in to life even if it’s manic. Yes, I’ll be fighting drs, but I may be fully living. I’m depressed now. It may not be as worse as it will get. Why not try to jump in/lean in/stop being scared of life?
So I’m deeply and untreated depressed. I’m plagued with on and off suicidal urges that I like the control of thinking I can follow though. And I’m challenged and sort of want to be wholly who I am, someone I don’t really know because I’m scared to be manic, which is the only person I know besides this depressed person for the last 3.5 years since diagnosis.
I hope you’ve enjoyed, or learned something, from the ramblings of someone in the midst of treatment in the hospital. This entry is harder. No hard feelings meant. Just ramblings and truth of what I need.
Feeling a bit better today. Less irritated. Less angry and upset. I can handle life as a depressed person today – I hope. That will be my goal.
Cranky post. Heard for 4 days now that getting a visit. No visit. Some phone calls. In the 29 DAYS I’ve been here, I’ve been visited TWICE. Most calls are one I call out. What happened to visiting the sick and in prison? And everyday I deal with family who wants med info when I want to complain about how hard this is and so all that happens is a pronouncement that treatment must be wrong then.
None of this is providing support. How am I supposed to go home and get support when I’m constantly asking and only a few are checking in. What am I doing wrong.
Angry, irritated, irritable, depressed, suicidal thoughts again. I want to go home AND not feel like crap. Is that too much to ask?
Horrible day yesterday. Angry, irritated, upset, crying, violent inside. Struggled with urges to tip/throw furniture, hurt people. So unlike me. Finally go doc to discontinue the drug and he’ll see me today. Meanwhile I’m knocked up on xanax. So lightheaded and tired, as well as impulsive. The benzo just make the thoughts and urges slower, not gone.
Woke up today still feeling angry and irritated but with fewer urges. That’s how yesterday started too, so my antennae are up.
Saw dr. So I’ve been having a hypomanic episode – same as when on SNRI’s. A fast flip to a new mood. I still want to be destructive, even though I’m coming down. He thinks I might have something with my thyroid and will do extra blood tests, then treat. Got ok from primary care doc to treat thyroid, if that’s what the depression is. A stimulant might do it to. But I have to be off the MAOI first.
BIG HEAVING SIGH!
I hate my life
New med started this morning. It’s a patch. Site feels tingly a bit at the site and a bit tingly in the head. Problems getting the patch to stick to the skin. This doesn’t bode well for long-term use if this is the drug for me.
1pm – Crying. Anxious about new dietary restrictions and possible side effects – all of which I was told would not go along with tho med. A lot of crying and anxiety.
Evening – Irritated. All over not feeling good. I felt my mood drop.
Morning – Irritated. Depressed. Suicidal ideation and Self Injury thoughts. Crying.
Having a hard time with the med adjustment – hell – continues as symptoms describe. I just want to feel better. I’m all over the place with mood and crying and wanting to hurt others and myself. And I’m exhausted with this. I’m very OVER and EXHAUSTED from the milieu of people here too. I’d rather isolate, which says a lot for this social person.
Morning – Even angrier and more irritated. Crying, Upset. Still want to throw furniture and strangle people.
See the doctor – Dr says I have gone manic and therefore this drug and any others in its class of drugs is not for me.
Relieved to know why I’m so off the wall. Disgusted that I had to go through the terrible med wash only to find out that this drug won’t work anyway. Makes me want to throw furniture again.
The dizziness continues. Meclazine helps but induces sleep. And this morning I woke with such pain! 3 days in a row with this pain. All is not good in D-land. [The beds are TERRIBLE, especially for someone like me with a long rod in my back.]
I’m still in the hospital – no end in sight yet. Dr. now thinks Latuda is causing dizziness so down we go on that again. I think we’re just playing with meds here. I’m a chemistry set and I’m waiting to blow up.
[Care Plan Update: Patient continues to withdraw from SSRI to begin MAOI on Tuesday. Patient reports suicidal ideations on and off but on a daily basis. Patient reports mood lability and struggling to use skills. Patient reports feeling dizzy and has unsteady gait at times due to this. Patient continues to attend groups as able and participate actively.]
I feel safer in the hospital than out. The dizziness most of all. Mood feels more stable at mildly or normal depressed. Suicidal ideation at daily but passive. Enough to get me out but unable to drive and care for elf. ON the one hand I like being taken care of, especially when it’s so hard to do so myself. ON the other hand, self-reliance is a virtue/value, though likely I retained that from childhood. Wouldn’t interdependence be better? Not necessarily easier though.