So, my therapist and I were talking today, and it is very clear to us that the profession of pastor will not work for me. It will still be several months until I find my new normal and can start looking for work. And that just can’t be pastoring, which triggers my mania and offers too many places to hide when depression strikes.
I am sad to the core about this development because I think I could have been a good pastor. And it’s also important that I can be friends and caregiver to myself. Being a pastor tempts me to do too much, which hurts me physically and mentally. Similarly, doing another degree (Ph.D.) would be too much.
In one fell swoop two secret ambitions cast down. Truly I have no idea what is ahead of me. I trust there will be good and whole ways to be the person God created me to be. I just have no freakin clue what that might be now. One step in front of the other, that’s all we ever have. But it still feels like a huge rip taken out of my soul.