Wild Ride

[You might like to listen to John Mellencamp’s version of “Wild Night” as you read this post, or end with WordPress’ suggestions to read Where the Wild Things Are]

Yesterday I had some wild mood swings àpropos of nothing. I had some lesions looked at by a dermatologist (not cancer – yay!) and a prescription filled. My mom and I cleaned the house, did laundry and made pot pies from scratch – one for the freezer and one for dinner.

And all day I was getting in touch with some feelings about ECT (see this post). I wasn’t sure it was working and I was still having bad effects from that bifrontal ECT last Friday. I’m still having trouble accessing words and concepts, as well as having memory problems in the middle of thoughts – far worse than my menopausal brain had been doing with lost thoughts the last 3 years. And I can tell that I’m not able to make decisions well, that my frontal lobe that examines consequences isn’t up to snuff. I notice it when I’m driving that I have to stay extra focused and think through basic stuff to make sure I’m safe. With all this still going on, I cancelled my ECT appointment for today.

Symbols I'm Pondering: The Inner Workings of Our Mysterious Brains

But then there were the feelings. Sensations. Impulses. It wasn’t until today that I realized there was a mood swing or two in there as well.

We were watching tv when I had a sudden sensation that I’d like to lie down, but then I felt that if I did lie down I would angry at myself cuz I didn’t want to fall asleep yet. But then I had a weird sensation as though mold dough from an orthodontist was in my mouth taking a mold of my teeth, a feeling that was making me angry too. I stopped the show we were watching and I told my mom about the feelings, as an example of the disordered thinking I was having and sensations and impulses. As we talked I got more and more in touch with some rage and worried that if left alone I could hurt myself or one of the cats or an appliance. These feelings are NOT normal or usual for me. At.All.

I thought maybe a good cry would get it out, and my mom let me cry on her shoulder for several minutes. Then she offered me a back rub – for nearly an hour! – as we reminisced about me as a little girl. So healing! I was able to be calm again and to get to sleep, though I woke up every two hours last night. Phooey!

Today I have an appointment with my psychiatrist and tomorrow with my therapist. Will this ever get figured out? Will I ever feel good again?

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2 responses to “Wild Ride

  1. You will feel better…ride it through. My mom was a big comfort to me when I was first diagnosed. And I didn’t drive for the first six months or so.

  2. I remember talking to a parishioner who believed it would be possible to walk right back into a regular schedule after a psych hospitalization. But the truth is that you’re convalescing and learning to live with the treatments and finding out which ones work for you, and all that takes time. I’m so glad your mom is there for you. Praying.

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