Shaky

Today I sat down to sort through medical and housing allowance and tax year receipts. It has been one of those years when the sorting & filing hasn’t been done. Which turns tax time into crazy time instead of just looking at work that had been done already.
Sigh.
I knew it had to be done, but I’ve been dreading it for months because my brain isn’t working the way I need it to in order to get the job done. And last night I had several anxiety dreams and nightmares, leaving me in a less than ideal state to work on this task. But this morning I collected my nerve, got started and rested several times during the process. “I can do this,” I kept telling myself.
Yet I was shaky all day. Internally shaky from anxiety, hands shaking (from coffee?), and even my eyes shaking as I read. This was worse than my now usual inability to hold a thought long enough to remember it.
I don’t recognize myself like this. I know it will clear up when I’m done with ECT and when I get stronger control of the anxiety disorder. On the one hand I recognize all the anxiety I’ve been living with for decades (no kidding–decades). And on the other hand this heightened level of anxiety is way over.the.top.
Or maybe I need a different self-image. One that takes into account cycles of anxiety and moods. One that notes the strength it takes to manage these cycles.
Until then I guess I go with being shaky and try to trust that I’m still making good decisions.

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4 responses to “Shaky

  1. You can do this! A little at a time.

  2. I know a tiny bit how you feel. For me, it’s dealing with fibromyalgia. For some reason, once I knew *why* I had had seemingly unlinked symptoms for so many years, I had to deal with them using a different mindset. It took three years of trial and error after hitting a pretty low bottom with numerous symptoms to find my “new normal”. I still yearn at times for my old normal.

    The worst part is the cycle of flares. I consider it a success now when I can tell a flare is coming and make pre-emptive strikes. I still have them, but I feel like I’m dealing with it more on my terms. I’ve also tried to use the cycles to my advantage. There are certain things I find pleasurable (mainly organizing) that I only do when I’m flaring. It serves a triple purpose; I need to be resting, not bored, and doing something I look forward to. Also, as an aside, when I was having issues with severe memory issues (I’m talking pulling out my driver’s license to give my name and address when checking in for a doctor’s appointment) I spent the worst part of the days watching VeggieTales and children’s movies that didn’t require much concentration.

    Anyway, I’ve been praying for you and the main point of this long comment is, you’ll find a way to work with the cycles.

  3. PLEASE don’t stress about the taxes. You can get an automatic extension until August 15th and another pretty easy extension to October 15th if you need. Your CPA would probably be happy to help you file the extension until August. It would give her/him more time, too.

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