In an earlier post I hoped that the recent acceptance of just how depressed I am would be a first step to break though the fog that surrounds me. Can’t say that I’ve seen any fog lifting, and in fact it seems as heavy as ever. But something has been shifting.
I noticed suicidal thoughts again. And with help from my therapist and others I’ve been keeping them from having power, and instead managing them. Now, I know that anxiety triggers these thoughts, and because I’m feeling the anxiety, I know it means there is something I need to process.
This time: Anxiety about the events of last summer that led to the breakdown that led to my first hospitalization. Feeling at the end of my rope, with too much going on at once, a break with reality, clearly, that clouded my judgment. I may never know what caused it, especially since I was in a manic period. I’m still only beginning to understand the mania and the depression that I’ve been living with all these years. Certainly being a solo pastor triggered mania and helped me sustain it. And it was bound to break at some point. I was bound to break at some point.
I don’t know what understanding this about myself means, or if anything changes for me because I’ve recognized the mania, the poor judgment, the feeling of being out of control. Perhaps deeper acceptance of myself and of my illness. Perhaps some forgiveness of myself because of the illness.