During the errands we ran yesterday, hubby and I were talking about the content of my last post, about why I’m attending worship when it triggers the heaviness of soul, guilt, sadness, and depression. It affects him, I know that, because that’s what happens in marriage. What one feels and thinks and does affects the other partner directly so that they feel what you’re feeling, only magnified.
I had a chance to hear his position on why it’s a bad idea to go to church, because he cares about me and the pain it causes me. I tried to argue that it is something I need to process, yet he reminded me about how much time it takes to process this completely and how slowly, naturally, it takes to move through it.
“What gets triggered is more than what you can process. It’s a slow process and you’re doing the work. But going to church is more than you can bear. The benefits are not outweighing the risks when you get triggered so much.”
And so I’m making the hard decision not to go to church for an undetermined amount of time, perhaps 6 months to a year. Until something significant shifts and I find it more joyful and uplifting to my spirit than painful and triggering. I don’t know what will replace worship as a practice that might offer spiritual nourishment the way I hoped worship and fellowship would. I’ve thought of meeting with a pastor and spiritual direction. I’m open to other suggestions!