It’s been an interesting weekend. I have self-harm and suicidal thoughts again.
Anxiety rears its head. This time I’ve been able to manage the thoughts instead of their managing me, though it took all of my energy not to give in to the thoughts. I took several naps because I was so exhausted from keeping the thoughts at bay. Many thanks to all who talked to me on Twitter and Facebook over the weekend to help me manage the thoughts! Last night I talked with my doctor about them, and he trusts me with my safety plan, which I’ve been using.
So what is the anxiety about that triggered these thoughts? Sadness at my mom leaving and then being on my own during the week again? Maybe on the surface, but what else? Identity issues, for one thing. What am I scared to find in my self? I already picked the wrong career, though I now get to pick a better one for me. Another thing triggering anxiety is grief about these identity issues, though I feel like I’m beating my head against a wall. I don’t know what will cause a breakthrough. But the anxiety that is causing dangerous thoughts has something to do with these grief and identity issues.
I thought that summarizing the last 9 months might help. A few friends had not heard yet and I wanted to ask for their support. Summarizing was quite hard, and so much got left out. I think it was a good exercise anyway, though it didn’t cause the breakthrough I was hoping for. I’m going to the pool later. I hope exercise will help decrease the anxiety or work it through.