This week I’ve been on a roller coaster of moods and emotions:
Last weekend’s ups and downs, flooding memories, and triggers
- The three days this week I was feeling more “up” and appropriately energetic
- Fits of super-energy, racing thoughts, and/or restlessness that felt like mania during the three days
- Today’s crash after possibly doing too much the last three days, but accompanied by a mood dip too
Probably just a bad day today, but the weird cycling into possible mania is bothersome. So also is the up and down and around and loop of riding this roller coaster all week! I’m trying not to let these things bother me or take away from the fact that I had some good days.
I’m trying to go with the roller coaster instead of fighting it – to relax my body to follow the curves of the track, instead of holding myself rigidly against the forces playing on my body. That’s the secret behind riding roller coasters, by the way, but fear is a strong force too, and can keep you rigid instead of loose. I’m trying to keep from being fearful about this bout of ups and downs. Fear will lead me down the path toward the uncontrollable anxiety that leads me to thoughts that land me in the hospital. A place I don’t want to go. Yet because I still feel unsafe with all the emotions, and feel unable to predict impulses, there are many times I think I belong in the hospital.
I’m fighting the unsafe and unpredictable feelings, as well as the fear that accompanies the dips and curves I’m living with. I may end up in the hospital anyway, even though I’m trying to relax into this roller coaster’s curves and dips instead of be too fearfully rigid.
O Holy One, help me.