Lots of unbloggable stuff – and I do mean stuff – going on this week, which means I’ve neglected journaling or interacting with anyone via the blog this week. But today something is churning, yet I’m still having difficulty finding words for what’s going on inside.
I had a conversation with a dear friend today, one that stirred up a lot of tears – painful tears and healing tears together. The longing to be a parish pastor, and particularly for the church I had to leave, was strong. And I had to try rational thoughts to remind me to listen to the voice that says I cannot be a parish pastor anymore, that I have an illness that must be attended to. By some miracle I didn’t have a ton of anxiety in these moments with my friend, just the longing and sadness. I tried some of the techniques I’m learning in my DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) class, but they didn’t help in the moment as I tried to deal with the emotions flooding through me and out through the endless tears.
That is the top layer – the longing and sadness. But something is churning away underneath.