I had a rough therapy session yesterday and I’ve been churning away inside and outside since. A lot of emotion was brought up, a lot of crying that seemed to be for no particular reason. Just a lot of emotion, and it was exhausting!
I charged through the rest of the day – eating lunch, swimming a mile, doing stuff around the house. I was driven. And the insides churned on.
One thing I realized during the session was that I’m not in control of my own house – my own insides. I’m so quickly overwhelmed and flooded by emotion, mostly sadness, fear, loss, grief, trauma. And these feelings take over and I feel out of control.
I’m scared that I can’t control myself – what will become of me? And I’m sad that I can’t control myself – it seems like something I “should” be able to do. It’s a sign of the disease, I know, to be flooded by emotion, and to be out of control because of moods or emotions. But I feel sad anyway.
Today I still feel sad, and still exhausted from the pouring out of emotion and all the activity yesterday. Add into that the last week plus of attending to financial, vocational, medical details, details, details. Therefore I’m resting today, and hoping for a better day tomorrow.