Every night I have dreams of being a pastor, being in the last church I served, with mixed reception of my presence there. I do activities like checking the bulletin, preaching, walking around the facilities, writing notes to people, talking to people. When I wake, I feel disappointed and sad and scared. The fog of the dreams last, as do the feelings. Some days, like today, the fog lasts longer than others.
I think this is part of the grieving process. And I think the flashbacks I have during the day are part of the grieving process too. I get flashes of memories of being a pastor, or from the pastor dreams from the night before. These flashbacks disturb me and I feel haunted and sad.
It’s progress that I can name my feelings. But this process feels like it is slowing killing me. I’ve got intense anniversaries and memories coming up in August, which I’m afraid of seeing how the current memories and flashbacks already surprise me.
Please keep me in your prayers, if you’re the praying kind! Thank you!