The Struggle

I am again weighing the pros and cons of going in the hospital. My support network is all over the place. I hear one voice who is all about being rational and logical and fiscally responsible. If I can bear it using my skills then stay out. I hear another voice who says she can see it in my eyes that it’s time for the hospital. I hear another voice who reminds me to give myself credit and work on my skills. I hear yet another voice wishing they knew how to help and encouraging me to go in the hospital if I need it.

All of them seem to be asking me, “Do you need to go in the hospital?” And I feel like screaming back, “I don’t know!” I don’t know how much longer I can bear this pain and these visions of hurting myself. I don’t know how strong my skills are and how tough the ‘as needed’ meds are to outweigh the constant pain I’m in. What is the cost of staying out of the hospital? Am I strengthening myself by stretching my skills or going through unneeded pain when there is a safe place waiting for me?

Help me weigh the pros and cons, and add more below if you can think of some.

Pros of going in the hospital: professionals who know how to deal with this, my doctor present daily to adjust meds if needed, a safe place to ride out these feelings.

Cons of going in the hospital: potential financial burden, shame of not doing it on my own, and going back in the hospital for the 4th time in a year.

Pros of staying out of the hospital: pride in handling this crisis on my own with skills I’ve learned.

Cons of staying out of the hospital: may have received needed skills or a boost in skills in the hospital.

20 responses to “The Struggle

  1. When one is in pain, one should take an analgesic. It not only lessens the pain. It lessens the stress on the body so the body can find and fight the reason for the pain.

    I vote enter the hospital.

  2. Your life is at stake, so if the hospital is the safest place for you to be, then go there. Pride and shame are not reasons to stay out. Finances, I can understand completely, nevertheless, safety does come first and being in the hospital might be the best place to use the skills you’ve developed thus far. Prayer for peace.

  3. livingtherossmoorlife

    A member of my family has bipolar disease. Thus, I can resonate with both Margaret’s and Meredith’s comments. Sounds like you’re hypomanic now; you CAN manage it on your own, with your family’s support and meds, but the question is whether you are ready for that. I’m not sure you’re in a place to be the judge of readiness, given the questions you’re asking about this.

  4. fuck shame. seriously. Not a useful nor helpful emotion. For what its worth & shame rules me way too much.

  5. I was never hospitalized. I did a day program, and I hated it. But your friends above are right. If you need the support, if you need the help, and you’re not getting it, don’t worry about the finances. That was one of the key things in the hypomania that I had. I was ALWAYS thinking about money. And it was my downfall–I went cold turkey on coffee to save money and that’s when I crashed. Take care of you. The broken pride will be restored. And though I rarely say things like this, God owns all the money. Sending you cupcakes. Maybe when you’re better, we can figure out a bake sale. Don’t let your pride crack the rest of you.


  6. You have wise counsel here. I can only echo what Anitra said…screw the shame and do what you need to do. Hugs and prayers for you.

  7. You are wise enough to see the need of hospitalization…my son who is bipolar always had to be pretty much forced…or it escalated to the point of having to get him help…Go and get the support you need…I wish the best for you…I know you have to be suffering…

  8. This has been going on all weekend? I think you gotta go. Three days will max out anyone’s coping skills. I think you are receiving wise advice here.

  9. Deb, I have never had your disease. So what I am saying may not be at all relevant. When I had cancer, I didn’t have voices saying: “you can do it on your own.” I didn’t have voices that shamed me for going to the hospital. In my opinion it’s awful that we don’t treat all diseases in the same way.

    • It’s true we don’t treat mental illness the same as physical illness. But what you say makes me think better of the hospital – the voice I’m hearing isn’t a helpful one that makes me think I’ve got to do it on my own.

  10. Elizabeth Nordquist

    I have just returned from 2 weeks on the road, unplugged, so even though I have been praying for you each day, didn’t know this decision was looming ahead of you. I am so glad that you have options and wise people who can both give wisdom and support. I am praying and loving as always!

  11. I too have just returned from ten days of being away from phone and computer. I will be calling you. And I am glad that you are seeking help from wise and gracious folks. Sending much love and many prayers.

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