I had a rough night last night. If you are Facebook or Twitter friends with me, you probably already know that. During the stress of transition (my mom left after helping me for two months), and the trigger of being at church and around church language, meaninglessness and hopelessness set in. They twisted my view of reality. I was aware that my view of reality was skewed and reached out to my spouse and to my online community for support. Everyone came through and helped me get through the evening and just find activities to occupy my mind.
This morning I had a better outlook and felt better able to face the day and reality. I still felt – and feel – fragile, as though even a little stress would send me over the edge into distorted views of reality again. And distorted realities have led to suicidal ideation. Not a place I’d really like to go.
It’s tough walking this road between rocks and hard places. A tightrope with all sorts of unrealities on the sides and even in front and behind me. But to stay sane I have to cling only to that tightrope, only to the present moment, only to the fragile sanity I can find in strict adherence to meds, seeing my care team, living a schedule and balancing alone time with social time. Even with all this, I feel so close to a slippery slope into darkness.