On the advice of a friend (thanks A.!) and then corroborated by my therapist, I will not be taking part in Holy Week activities this year. They are just days to me for now. I may or may not attend Easter services. I have both positive and negative experiences that I’m experiencing as flashbacks. Positive: leading people through Holy Week services. Negative: being in the hospital last year since I couldn’t deal with the grief of not doing that job. So, this year, we will try for neutral. Goal: Make it through the week without ending up in the hospital again.
Because I’m not in a good mental space today. I’m having these flashbacks and trying to ignore what has been a major part of my life for two decades.
And because I’m just suffering inside. I was feeling the suffering as a haunting feeling, then it hit me when I did Qi Gong today. The first movement is looking in at the stillness and then light within. But when I look inside… I see and feel blackness. A black hole sucking me in. Deep hopelessness. No soul. I know I am not a child of God.
These thoughts and feelings have been plaguing me for months. Some days I can ignore them. Other days they swarm around me and pull me under. Even when I’m having a good day, they are still there.
This is not the way I used to experience life. I used to experience a sense of purpose that was mine to discover and fulfill, a sense of light and hope, a sense that God was around in so many, many forms. None of these exist right now.
And I’m worried that the blackness will pull me farther in than I can bear. So far no plans to harm myself, but I do still want to not exist. Racing thoughts fill my day and my sleep, though lessened through medication. I just want all of this to stop. And peace.