Fail

I’m struggling really badly today with anxiety that is pushing me toward dangerous thoughts. It’s been a rough week.

It started Monday with a sudden onset of an irrational fear of going outside, and especially to the grocery store where I had only 12 items to pick up. I talked with my therapist, who reminded me that anxiety is just a feeling and I can keep going even though I have feelings. And she reminded me to GiveMyselfCredit for all I am doing – getting up on time, getting dressed, eating regularly, going to bed regularly, exercising regularly, getting out of the house regularly.

OK, so started to do that. But on Tuesday I made it to water aerobics ok, and out to see a movie ok. But during the movie (ok, it was Titanic, maybe not the best movie to see, but I really like it), I had some anxious feelings, though they passed. Then walking out to the car the anxiety hit really hard again, I reached out to friends online and called my spouse, and finally calmed down enough to get home.

And then today I had the anxiety again as I drove to church to volunteer. I had recurring bouts of anxiety during conversations (though told I covered very well), and I had to go home without doing anything to help. Just needed to leave. Plus I cancelled on a meeting scheduled with another agency I want to volunteer with. On the way home I tried not to let anxious feelings push me to hurt myself. It was getting that bad again.

This Sucks!

I’m trying hard to Give Myself Credit and Not Have Too High Expectations of Myself and Push Myself to Live Through the Feelings. Yet when I fail to reach manageable expectations, as I did today, I feel terrible, ashamed even – and especially when I start losing my composure in front of people. All of which just multiplies the dangerous feelings I have going through my head already. Mostly I just want the pain to stop, which makes me think of ending it. It’s bad when the hopelessness gets tangled up with that though, because then I don’t see a future, only a life already well-lived, so how can I ask for more.

Again, This Sucks! Make it stop!

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2 responses to “Fail

  1. Deb –
    Is it possible you overscheduled yourself for Tuesday? Especially knowing that you were feeling particularly anxious the day before. I know I can’t handle that many outside activities in one day. Try to find what your limits are for now and you can always adjust them as time goes on. You are doing great, but you don’t want to push yourself too hard.

    • Yeah… I wondered about that. I only had two things on Tuesday. And two things on Wednesday. Plus the usual stuff of getting ready for the day and making meals. It’s all a balance and I keep toeing the line.

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