Cycling Down Again. Sigh.

Having a rough weekend. Started last night as I was going to bed, where I told myself if I just fall asleep the suicidal thoughts will go away. But this morning, they were blooming. And by the time I got to church, there they were. I stayed at church as long as possible to be around people and to have some activities to do, since my spouse won’t be home til 6pm.

Now I’m at home filling the afternoon with online chats with folks, movies and books, taking care of myself as best I can. Took a klonopin to help with increasing anxiety.

I’m so so tired of thoughts cycling back to suicidal ideation. When will this cycling end? WILL it end? I know several folks who live with suicidal ideation every day. I don’t know that I’m strong enough to fight so hard each and every day to repeat rational thoughts back at the irrational thoughts, or use my DBT skills to wait for the thoughts and feelings to pass, as I know they will. But they cycle so quickly, they don’t leave for long when I’m going through a spell like this.

And I can’t live without all the support from you, my friends. So many comments here, on Facebook and on Twitter. I feel like my cycling will wear out the welcome, especially if this is what I will always be dealing with. Won’t you all just think I’m crying wolf at some point? It feels dire each and every time though.

One thing could have been a trigger. Yesterday as I was doing laundry, I had to pass by – over and over – the 10 open boxes of books from my former life waiting to leave my house. And then going to church again today, reminded that I have no sense of God working in the world or in my world. I’m trying to believe and every once in a while I get close.

All these factors could be contributing to increased stress on my weakened identity, on grief of losing my sense of self and career, on an unknown future. Things that could lead to so much pain that death, an end, seems plausible.

I hate that.

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10 responses to “Cycling Down Again. Sigh.

  1. Meredith Gould

    Please keep sharing and leave it to folks in your support network to decide if and when they need a break. No one will disappear all at once. Whoever thought you were “crying wolf,” has already left — lucky for you and shame on them.

    • Thanks, Meredith. I seem to have lost a few along the way, including some family, I think. But others like you have stepped up in so many ways that I know I can reach out. Thank you!

  2. I still read and will answer when I feel it’s appropriate…I have faith in you! ~mkg

  3. Sending tons of hugs. It’s so hard to keep going every day, but you’ll make it.

  4. Katherine Rieder

    Deb, I hope that you keep seeking support, which is here for you. There are those who don’t understand or who have their own burdens. You need to find the support you need to balance the terrible lie that this disease presents as an answer. My daughter’s bi-polar came on suddenly, and she struggled desperately for a long time. Her story has a very good and hopeful ending. Cases that come on suddenly sometimes diminish. Please continue to believe that there is hope. Much love, Katherine

  5. Coming from someone who has suicidal thoughts EVERY day…The cold, hard truth, Deb, is that if you weren’t strong enough, you wouldn’t still be here. I wouldn’t be here either. And neither would a lot of other people we know. I can’t promise that coping day-to-day will magically transition into a state of unyielding bliss. But, I can promise you that it will get easier. Time is a fair and consistent ally. With time and your continued perseverance to make change a possibility, it will happen.

    I believe in you.

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