Hospital?

So, in the past 30 hours, both my therapist and psychiatrist have asked if I need to go back into the hospital and explained in detail when I would need to go. But ultimately it’s my decision. Only I can decide if I can keep myself safe. When I can’t, I go straight to the hospital.

I don’t feel impulsive, or very anxious. Which makes the images/plans/thoughts in my head almost more scary because they are making sense. They are rational. I am making rational plans to do something terrible. It won’t be an impulsive action, it will be well-planned. This.Is.Not.Good! This Is Why I Wonder If I Need To Be In The Hospital.

My pattern seems to be for the depression to dip into suicidality every 3 months, and the only remedy is to wait it out. We finally found a drug combination that seems to be working (after a year and a half of trying a score or more of drugs!). So wait until the thoughts leave is what’s left. Usually it takes a few weeks. But this last time I faced these thoughts …

This last time it took 2 months. I don’t want to do this again. I get that I don’t have a choice, that here I am, and it’s up to me to use all the skills I’ve learned. The main one I’m using is living my life. Doing the things on my list of things to do, following my schedule, acting as normal as possible, trying to stay as busy as possible. This was something I wasn’t able to do before, and I’m grateful I can do this now. I don’t think I had enough time with the schedule for it to anchor me to the earth the way I need it to do, however.

Because the thoughts are so intrusive so much of the time, I find myself separated from what’s going on around me because I’m focusing on letting the thoughts go. Sometimes saying “Stop!” in my head and reminding myself that I have the power and I choose what actions I take. But doing that damage control means I feel distanced from what is really going on – driving, walking, chopping vegetables, computer work.

Well, if you don’t hear from me for a while, it means I’m in the hospital and will return when I can.

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8 responses to “Hospital?

  1. Darlin’ do what you need to do to survive this. I get that you want to put off the hospital as long as you can. What can we do to keep you on routine? We are here for you, and so is the hospital. Do what you need to do, and we are praying for you and loving you through it, and we’ll be here on the flip side.

    • I think mostly I need to stick to routine (which I think I can do) and not be alone (which takes more effort). But not overtire myself either, which makes the thoughts worse, and fighting the thoughts make me tired…a vicious cycle. Thank you for all your support and prayers. The evil lie in all of this is that you are alone, deeply alone, no matter what everyone tells you. So thank you for continuing to support me through this. There’s got to be a way through this, right?

      • “There’s got to be a way through this, right?”

        I’m following your lead, babe, and trusting in God’s faithfulness. You are never alone. Not only are we with you, but you are touching so many lives by being open with us about your journey.

      • I’m glad something interesting is coming out of it. I feel like I’ll end up as a statistic. Bipolar as a lethal diagnosis. I know that’s a lie too, but it’s part of the lies that are going through my faulty-wired brain.

      • Bipolar is a diagnosis, not a prognosis! This is not the end. Wanna come walk my dog with me? Rannie always puts my life in perspective.

      • I know that. It’s just part of me, not all of me. It’s hard to keep perspective when things go haywire as they are right now.

  2. Hugs. I know from experience how alone that place feels, when the lies in your head tell you that no one cares and it seems as if there will never be any sunshine again. I’m sending lot’s of prayers and hugs your way. Do what you need to. We’ll be here.

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