I saw my psychiatrist today and had a great conversation about side-effects (tremor and hair loss) and the suicidal thoughts I’ve been having, which are probably due to stress and transitions with Dave and my mom.
What feels like A-Mazing news is that my meds didn’t change! Not even an increase or decrease of the meds I’m taking. It took about 18 months to FINally get a cocktail that seems to be working. That plus I’m only seeing the doc every month instead of every couple weeks for a med tweak means it’s like I can see stability around the corner now.
What is interesting is that part of my suicidal thoughts situation is that I don’t get inspired by anything or a mood lift from things that used to make me feel better. Example: music. Songs about feeling good about life or happy events or that life is worth living don’t faze me at all, and almost make me angry because they don’t express my reality at all. SIGH. I wish they did. They used to inspire me in some way, but no more. Same with tv, movies, books. Even conversations. It just doesn’t describe my reality, when right behind the eyes I still have thoughts that I’d rather not be here. At least I don’t have plans! I am safe, for all of you who are starting to worry.
I don’t want to be this way anymore. Bipolar sucks!