I’m at a loss in my spiritual life. I’m not sure of God or how God acts in the world. Lots of ennui. Wish I could benefit from a caring community, but am not able to participate in it unless I return to church form and language that doesn’t feel like my authentic language anymore, and it triggers deep pain of memories in that structure. I’m also entertaining thoughts of the Divine Feminine, which could be the God I’ve known all along, but not heard in language within the patriarchal and bureaucratic church. I don’t know where I’m heading. Just waiting.
Dave and I want to move back to California, our home. The land, the ocean. It speaks to me and makes me feel more centered. This plan is still a few years off though since we are broke. And I need some time for stability to be solid before uprooting everything.
In the last couple days I’ve been looking at sociology of religion Ph.D programs in California and Oregon. I’ve been interested in sociology of religion since my Reformation Christianity class as an undergraduate. Then my interest blossomed completely in grad school. I’m not completely sure what my target topic is – a good reason not to pursue more graduate work at this time. So far I’m interested in how the mainline churches are shifting so slowly to be relevant to a 21st century world, culture and people. Another reason not to pursue study at this time is that I still have latent but deep interest in advocacy and empowering work for women. And in studying the Divine Feminine. So you can see how it would be nearly impossible to write a Statement of Purpose with diverse interests that I haven’t narrowed down yet.
I’m hoping that when I find some spirituality again, whether the traditional form and inclusive language I loved deeply, or some other form or language, then I’ll know a bit more where I might be heading for Ph.D work too. Or maybe just some direction in my life at all.
Of course I still have No Freaking Clue what my future looks like. I’m able to look about a week into the future at a time. I’m still laying foundations and habits to sustain a stable and average life for myself. Concentration and focus are still elusive, as is stamina. And I’ve still got no real hope at this time. Seriously. I don’t feel hope or inspiration. I find a little joy in a few activities. But music or stories or conversations that used to lift my mood – nothing. In fact, they are almost irritating. So without even inspiration or mood lifting activities, hope is elusive. So even as I dream of California or Ph.D work, they are ethereal, as is my spiritual life. Nothing to grab on to. Just disappearing images in the fog.