Always Lurking Behind the Scenes

I’ve been coming home from volunteering feeling high, but then crash after five minutes. I could easily fall asleep. In an effort to break my nap habit, I try to engage in activity. Usually I’m just a zombie on the couch though.

Then I read this article again: ‘High Functioning’ Bipolar Disorder . A gentle reminder that it takes Tons Of Energy to make my brain work and to appear normal and socialize with co-workers. When I get home, I collapse. And so do many (most?) bipolar people who work.

It’s good not to feel alone.

Yesterday I came home from The LeaderShop after 3 hours of volunteering and did the same routine. I stayed up and found activities to do – read, watch tv, Facebook and Twitter, cook dinner. Yet as the day and evening wore on, without getting rest, I could feel my mood get darker and darker.

And then I hit the point where I start asking myself if this is worth it, and why do I keep struggling to make this happen. What makes life worth living. See, I haven’t really accepted that there is hope yet. I’m just not a danger to myself and I’m trying to live a healthy life. Maybe it will get better? I guess that’s a kind of hope.

Had I taken a nap, I may not have hit that point. But these thoughts and this lack of hope have been behind the “regular” thoughts and actions for a while now. They never really goes away. They just scream at different decibels depending on various factors.

<SIGH>

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3 responses to “Always Lurking Behind the Scenes

  1. You are doing so well!! Compare this post to one you wrote a few months ago and at least to me there is a night and day difference. Sometimes you have to fake it until you make it!!

  2. Living with a son with Bipolar…I have to remind myself quite often of his stamina…When others see this big guy…they do not realize his struggles…I’m like you…I definitely hate this illness…and I’m just the Mom with a son with it…I can only imagine your frustrations and his…Best to you…~mkg

    • Hi Marilyn! Bipolar has a way of affecting the whole family. Bad days, good days, mood fluctuations. We wish it wasn’t true, and everyone had equal impact, but…
      I hope your son is doing well!

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