Yesterday in the PET scan machine – to see how far the cancer has spread – I had plenty of time to let the racing, racing, racing thoughts get Very out of control. Part of that was that having cancer was no longer funny, as it has been for the last week and a half (funny like – what else could go wrong??). It’s real. It’s scary. It’s dangerous. I fought with thoughts that the cancer was stage 4 – spread to other organs. I tried to visualize only stage 1 – localized tumor that’s not spread. But the whole situation was too real. Fear.
When I woke up yesterday and several times yesterday and now today, I wanted a car to crash into mine, or to claw my face off. So, the self-harm thoughts are back. I did pretty well just letting them be thoughts that flit through my brain. But the desire was there again. I want this to stop.
After the scan, I didn’t have the energy to go to work. I went home and slept restlessly for 5 hours. Plus a regular night’s sleep afterwards. Geez. But I do feel better this morning. Today I have work and then back injections to try something else to manage the pain. And I can’t find the mental stamina to get ready for the day. That happens A LOT anyway, but just adds to the burden I bear today.
I can’t do this alone. My friends from around the world are so so supportive online. My community lives on Twitter, Facebook, the blogosphere. Thank you for walking with me.
This is hard. I’m not sure I can do this without freaking out, becoming delusional & suicidal, ending up in the hospital again, waiting to be Un-Delusional and non-suicidal.
Bipolar sucks. Bipolar sucks worse when you have other issues to deal with such as debilitating back pain and cancer. Not sure I can survive mentally through all of this.