I went to church on Sunday! There was a person to meet me to help me walk in and up to the sanctuary, and to sit with me. That made it so, so much easier just to have someone with me! After the service about 10 people talked with me, very glad to see me, wanting to catch up, inviting me to the women’s retreat. I felt that I fell right into the community I needed and had been missing. I can’t believe how much time it’s been since I was involved in programs…or worship…or community.
I had been scared to return to church after so many painful triggers while in worship, and feeling left out of community since the relationships felt superficial to me – not true friends. The latter may have been only my perception, especially as I was going through mood instability.
Yesterday, though, I had memories of former times, but they Felt like former times and just memories, not triggers. I was able to enter into the experience of worship as I am now. Which means with some attention difficulties. With memories of what I learned in all my religion classes that shape my understanding of the background of scripture and liturgy.
But I was present to the moment and even prayed that I might be open to what God might have in store for me by being there. Perhaps that was community – people sitting with me and checking in with me. Perhaps that was the feeling of raspy singing with my thyroid still making my throat funny (and I haven’t been singing much cuz not in church). Perhaps it was just being open and present – and not scared.
So I’m glad I went. I plan to go next week, unless I freak out between now and then. I’d like to go the women’s retreat, but we do have this cancer surgery thing that I want sooner rather than later. And I’m scared to go away and have spirituality in my face for two days. Could be too much.
I’m giving myself lots of credit for facing the fear of going to church, and going through with it, and having a great time. Progress.