Looming Hospitalization Again

My mood has been off the last few days. Suicidal thoughts run rampant in my constantly racing thoughts. I’m used to racing thoughts and to having a few suicidal thoughts every day and I know techniques to ignore them. What makes these different is that (1) they are very frequent and (2) desire is accompanying the thoughts.

Dagnamit.

I’m trying to ride the wave of the feelings and let the thoughts pass. I’m able to do this a lot of the time. I really have internalized all the skills I’ve been taught. Which is great news!

The increased frequency is disturbing though. Especially accompanied with actual desire instead of just the usual silent swear word as I let the thought pass through and exit my mind.

I don’t know what has triggered this shift in mood. It could be the illness rearing its head and needing a tweak in medicine. More likely it’s stress. I am working more hours. And we are moving toward the major fundraiser of the year for the nonprofit where I work. I’m not involved in the planning, but my supervisor is neck deep. Perhaps I’m internalizing her stress. Today is the 24th anniversary of my scoliosis back surgery that saved my life. My spine is fused around a harrington rod, T3-L4. This anniversary used to cause me incredible angst. For several years now, I just acknowledge it, and the pain it has caused. They just are.

So, maybe the combination of internalized stress and the upcoming and now arrived anniversary has triggered suicidal thoughts.

Perhaps a hospitalization is looming. SIGH

Today I’m calling friends, and probably my therapist. She usually recommends hospitalization by the time I get around to calling her. Maybe if I call earlier I can just be reminded of different skills?

Advertisements

6 responses to “Looming Hospitalization Again

  1. Prayers are with you, Deborah.

    Bill Z

  2. Elizabeth Nordquist

    Continuing prayers for protection and grace to know what you need, and strength to ask for it! Much love, E

  3. Crap and although the word “glad” is beyond bizarre, I’m glad you’ve written about this. Keep writing. Please.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s