Sisyphus Sends Me to the Hospital

Note: I am working closely with my care team. I write plainly here in order to process my own thoughts and feelings.

I am angry! Angry because I am of two minds all the time!

Mind 1. I have been moving toward a whole life again, making progress toward well-articulated goals: work full-time at a job that makes a difference in a world (social services, non-profits or medical); a full and satisfying marriage with my best friend, partner and lover; travel the world’s islands, including the oceans and wildlife in them; rescue cats; a life full of rich friendships.

Mind 2. I want to kill myself. I don’t want to live. I don’t want to live like this. Even when using my skills to the hilt, the thoughts and feelings of never-ending pain haunt me. Despair. Debilitating anxiety. Fear that I want to hurt and kill myself. Obsessive and grotesque visions of ways to hurt and kill myself. If I could end my life without pain, I would in a heartbeat.

sisyphusIt exhausts me completely, utterly, to work these skills to stay alive so hard yet start over with the same pain waiting to grind down any resolve. Friends, please, Please, have mercy. Let the pain of my disappearance not be the reason to hold on. Or for me to hold on.

Right before I go into the hospital, I am caught between these two minds and cannot distinguish which one I want more. That’s where I have been today.

I hate my life.

5 responses to “Sisyphus Sends Me to the Hospital

  1. as long as you are writing here, option 1 is dominant. the fact that you have been writing things to this effect for so long means, i think, that this is the strongest part of you. and you ARE strong. i sometimes have thought that people with bipolar/depression should attend 12 step programs, because i have seen some evidence that the tendency to want to hurt, destroy, or maim is some sort of addictive thought pattern. if i had enough money, i would research it. but for now, you are TODAY, and today, you are writing.

    • You’re probably noticing that bipolar, major depression and schizophrenia often coexist with OCD (which is a spectrum disorder) or one of the many anxiety disorders, or an actual addiction (alcohol or drugs or both). The leading edge of psychiatry is working on how to treat multiple disorders at once, knowing that each one has biopsychosocial origins & treatments. (Nature & environment together lead to symptoms, and chemicals are needed for bio part and environment changes for the psychosocial part).

  2. So that you see this when you come back: I love you. That’s all. No expectations. For who you are, for who you’ve been, just because.

  3. Blessings. Sending up a prayer for you. It’s not easy, not at all, but you wouldn’t have made it this far without strength and grace. May God’s love continue to sustain you as you do this difficult work, and may the medications do all they need to do to help you along with this as well.

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