That’s my life.
Just in the last 5 minutes I’ve cycled among manic tendency, depression and anxiety. And of course the accompanying thoughts of ways out of this prison.
This has been a difficult week.
- Lots of pain leftover from fun activities over the weekend. So I’ve been dealing with pain and the psychological fragility that anyone deals with who has this much pain when moving the body at all. SIGH.
- Work drama. There are many things that management is handling. I did my best all week to let everything flow off my back, refusing to absorb and act from anxiety. It has nothing to do with me. I’m not personally affected. Focus on my work. But extremely difficult to work with my brain anyway, and then working hard to avoid taking on others’ anxiety.
- The depression I live with everyday. I identified this many months ago. I can look back into my single-digit years and recognize sadness, sensitivity to emotion and pain, and a depressed affect. It’s just my normal state, I think. No wonder I enjoyed hypomania so much! Mania is scary, but hypomania just feels like happy to me!
Some of the manic tendencies today have include joining more MeetUp groups and seriously considering going to several events from several groups in the next week. Sounds like a good idea, right? Meet new people, do fun things, not be on my couch. REALITY CHECK: I have limited energy and ability from my body and my mental illness. I plan to work, including at a fundraising event. Being around a lot of people makes me grumpy and stressed and psychologically vulnerable. Always been that way. Faked it til I faked it still as a public persona. ~ Must.Be.Reasonable.About.What.Can.Handle.In.A.Week. ~ Choose wisely according to my values: work, home responsibilities and financial concerns, friendships, adventure, health.
Anxiety today resulted from – surprise! – pain. I hate pain. I hate that pain limits my activities to such a ridiculous degree. Stripping the bed of sheets and removing the comforter from its cover was enough to throw my back and hips out. But still had 5 loads of laundry plus a dr appt to deal with today. Yay for me.
Anxiety also came as I was throwing away paper (one thing I can do to help unclutter my mind) and ran across the magazine given to me – oh – two years ago now. The Journal of the California Alliance for Mental Illness: topic, Spirituality. Read a few stories: pastor who left ministry suddenly upon suicidal hospitalization (sound familiar???); person who compared his experience of traits needed to deal with mental illness with spiritual virtues (personally, I’m at a place where I call BullShit); a person who had an experience that could have been psychosis, a religious experience or a result of an ECT treatment (all 3? who knows). It’s like I deliberately put myself in a position to be triggered by religion. I’ve got to stop this! It just makes me more anxious and more depressed and more uncertain.
Depression showed up in my response to both the manic activity and the anxiety. Hooray for suicidal ideation! Hooray for techniques to let thoughts float out of my head. (One of those is sarcasm, just to be clear. However, the sentiment is still true.) I’m depressed that I can’t do what I’d like because the pain will be so intense that I can’t think clearly to respond appropriately to conversation or in a way equal to the situation (think the meetup groups or the housework needed to get rid of allergens in the house). I’m depressed because something that was a huge part of my life, and in fact, defined who I was for over 30 years, no longer has any meaning and is PAINFUL and triggering. I’m sad because the psychological and emotional and physical pain can get so intense in just one particular moment that I feel the need to exit stage left. I wish that wasn’t the case, and I’m trying to accept that my mind just goes there. I still have the choice to act on thoughts and feelings. I’m sad that I wish I could act on my suicidal ideation. But something keeps me here. And that means I have to keep dealing with this pain and try not to make it worse.
ALL of these thoughts and experiences occurred in my mind and life in a 5 minute period of time. That’s how it goes. And then one or the other can stick around for a while. And then it switches to the other one. And then it might rapidly alternate. That’s my experience. I’ve experienced that most of my life, now that I can look back with more clarity. I wish, I wish, I wish I didn’t have to deal with this. Any disney wishing wells around? Bueller?