Wishing for the Hospital

floodedIn case you hadn’t heard, the family room on the lowest level of our split level house flooded in the Chicago rains this week. Faulty sump pump. Backyard up to the knees at the lowest point. This level of flooding happened 3 years ago but only had a couple inches of water. Landlords got us new carpet, we finally really moved into the room and began utilizing it as a room of no-clutter and coziness for me, and a corner for a home office.

dryerBut… we had 5 inches or so 2 days ago. Lost the furniture, book cases, desk, etc. Many books, photo albums. Junk. Landlords are getting us a new sump pump and carpet. But our losses are still significant. And no, rental insurance doesn’t cover flooding. We checked last time.

So, my life is disrupted. The cats are Not Happy about the chaos and naturally respond to my mood and Dave’s. I’ve been stable so far and anxiety has been low enough that I an handle. The depression I live with all the time, plunging a bit. Enough that I’m thinking about the safety of the hospital. The reality is that I’m not wanting to hurt myself or suicidal. I am, however, depressed and getting more depressed. Depressed people usually don’t have energy to do anything about it…

view of floodI’ve been pushing feelings away and staying ¬†focused on tasks at hand. You’d think that was a good thing “staying in the moment.” It’s not. It’s avoidance. When feelings break through or I become aware of the disruption and then the feelings of sadness at leaving things and the frustration of all the work that will hurt my back, then I hurt and I start thinking of the hospital. Now I’m trying to push that away. This is just stress right?

 

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6 responses to “Wishing for the Hospital

  1. I hope so. It’s overwhelming and definitely sad to lose possessions to water damage. But you’ve made strides today and progress towards a new carpet smell that will be preferable to wet and musty.
    May being out in the sun be helpful, along with the offer of more help whenever you need it.

    • I think I’m reacting to having to make decisions about some church stuff that I had set aside a year ago to NOT make a decision about when I was getting rid of books. It feels good to have gone through and trashed what needed to go. But still there is pain. Still grief at letting go. But now that corner will no longer exist and all those things will find new, good homes.

  2. It’s interesting that you phrased it as a wish. Almost as though it’s currently a representation of somewhere that provides comfort and safety in your mind right now. Not a place to keep you safe, but a place to feel safe. Who wouldn’t want to be someplace like that? It sounds suspiciously like progress to me though it probably doesn’t feel that way to you.

    • Yeah, feels like progress. At least I’m not panicking while I’m wishing! I know it’s just stress. And pain. Already hurting too much today and much more to go.

  3. So sorry for youer losses… We had a similar situation in 1986 …here in Louisville…NOT FUN!… and NO, our flood insurance only covered minimal…Best to you…

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