Unbearable

I’ve had the roughest day, rougher than I’ve had in quite a while. It’s been building for a couple days. Today takes the cake.

Dangerous obsessive thoughts and anxiety woke me at 5:30. I’m very regular for getting up at 7am. So 5:30 is very odd. I wrapped myself tightly in a blanket (pressure can help anxiety) and watched tv for several hours to distract myself.

It.Is.Exhausting. constantly to tell yourself that your thoughts are just obsessive and it’s ok to feel anxious, sad, angry and that you can choose your own behaviors. I’ve been repeating that to myself every couple minutes since 5:30 this morning – so about 15 hours.

If I could distract myself with a task or something interesting, you’d think that would help. But the thoughts are intrusive. And then the feeling gets strong, then the vision of me hurting myself becomes clear. Then I’m reminding myself the thoughts are just obsessive and it’s ok to feel anxious, sad, angry and I can choose my own behavior.

Within 1 minute while I was driving, I wanted to drive into the median, then hit the car to the right, then strangle a person I was going to see. Are you kidding me????? Who has these thoughts?  Later in the day, in an old movie, someone pulled a gun out of a holster, and I thought I wanted to shoot my head. Are you kidding me????? Who has these thoughts?

Now I’m home alone. I was with friends all afternoon and evening. My goal is to stay out of the hospital. But my safety may indeed be at risk. Stay tuned. 😦

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One response to “Unbearable

  1. deb – i am going to maintain that the fact you know the difference between obsessive and normal deb is a win.
    you ask who has thoughts of strangling someone? i am honestly going to tell you, it must be a fair number of people because, everywhere there are people who are not kind. i work in a store where there are anecdotal signs: “wine, because otherwise, i’d sell my children,” and “good friends stab you in the front” (yes, that is actually a sign they sell). my husband, brother, and son all watch a show called “cops,” because the variety of malfunction they see – which i find sad and crushing – they find representative of real life.
    i know you hate these feelings, but they are not so far from the world. that your heart rejects them, i understand. but you are amazing and strong. where so many turn violent thoughts and destructive behaviors into an anecdote or act them out, you analyze and react.
    my own experiences aren’t like yours, but i can speak to depression and tell you about my ‘armadillo-mode’: it’s a tuck-and-roll procedure you know very well. this day is not the only day. this moment is not the only moment. this feeling is not here to stay. roll, baby, roll.

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