Lability: Posts from Hospital

** Heavily Edited

I am all over the place with my feelings and with my thoughts. Even my behaviors which I’m supposed to have control over seem all over the place.

I’m angry at the situation, including at myself for staying so long when I was hurting so badly and enabling so much. I gave blood, sweat and tears to something on life support.

I’m scared. I stuck it out for so long, even after hunches and actions that pointed to unhealthy behaviors I found myself doing. What’s left? I hitched my wagon to something that didn’t work the way I expected it to. I wanted us to work and to grow together, but it couldn’t happen if I was pouring myself out completely. I was scared to ask for what I needed, and didn’t get much when I did. Just your usual marriage there, I’m sure.

I love him. I have tremendous compassion for a person I spent half my life with. I also can’t live with him in order to be healthy financially, emotionally, behaviorally.

I feel duped and then hard on myself. And lost in the process.

I’m sad for all of this. Regret tinged with sadness. I’m sad that it’s broken. I was so young and full of hope that we would grow up and entwined together. Now I’m jaded. Maybe this can be reworked into something beautiful again. New beginnings.

My head and heart are not in the same place – mind is jumping ahead to what’s next for me and for us, while heart is labile.

I’m sad and I can barely cry. I’m sad that we made it nearly 17 years, even though I know that this was broken long ago. I just woke up 2 months ago. My heart was invested for 17 years, no matter what my mind says. And it’s my heart that is breaking.

I hurt. Friends have each other’s backs. We were friends. We lacked common goals, which hurts. We couldn’t be on the same page. We bumped into each other: the caregiver Dave who probably was angry that he became an adult and caregiver too soon, who bumped into the patient who was angry to be a patient and so took a caregiver role instead. But a caregiver that allowed all emotional and financial support to come from her – enablement. I wanted a different dynamic and wanted to make it work in a new way with all of my being. Wrong time I suppose to be on the same page or to have the same goals?

I feel wounded and bleeding. I wish these were visible so there was more support – someone – to pull the ache out of me. I know in my head that it’s a long process, and in my heart I am weary for all that I have processed and grieved about who I am for the last 3+ years and don’t think I have it in me to go again.

I need patience from myself and from my support system. There’s been a death, even if temporary, and my breath is taken away. I am bleeding, hemorrhaging  and all I seem to be able to do is to be rational. But there is fear of the unknown and of judgment and of death. There is hurt – a dull ache in the heart, sharp pain where I am bleeding, with a wonder whether it can be repaired.

I am sad. A lump in the chest, stomach is empty, limbs heavy. Thoughts are depressed. I’m ok being sad. There are lots of things to be sad about: 20 years disintegrating, family broken apart, lack of support from family, alone for the most part. Anger and hurt are under the surface, but sad is predominant. My movements are slow. I want to be happy. Can I be regal and strong and resilient AND sad and depressed? 

Mind is ready to more forward, but the heart is still bleeding. I’ve had an achy heart for a long time. What I thought were normal trials of marriage – turned out, not so much. It was our weird dance. My heart didn’t know it didn’t have to hurt all the time. When I knew and felt healthier, I called the unhealthy one for what it was – despite the anger, sadness, fear, hurt, bleeding that would come.

 

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3 responses to “Lability: Posts from Hospital

  1. “Can I be regal and strong and resilient AND sad and depressed?”
    If I manage it, so can you! Everything is possible. Thank you for sharing, best of luck with Recovery 🙂

  2. Deb – I went back to this earlier post. “The Magic Black Book” used the quote that I would’ve posted.

    Can I answer you? YES.

    I wish I could surround you with the people I know. You would feel so much compassion. The things that we endure! Oh yes, I know these feelings.

    My dear, old friend, Helen Chapman, used to say, “This, too, shall pass my dear.” In my 30’s, I wanted to strangle her. To say she didn’t understand, To convince myself that my own case was unique.

    Now, I see there is a certain and true elegance in survival. There is a victory in winning over the evil – and the threat of evil – in this world. Evil – the absence of love – says, “Jump. Shoot. Ingest. Kill.” Love says, “Stay. Remain. Breathe. Endure.”

    If you don’t have a lot of experience with love, it’s hard to marshall these attributes for oneself. But they are true. And they exist, much longer than the evil, which dissipates and drafts away.

    You know this to be truth. You have overcome the evil voice to realize that, upon another day, it is gone.

    Marriage. An interesting concept. I have one. I’m not sure I would recommend it, but mine has survived a rocky 30 year run….yet, I can’t say it was or is good for me.

    YOU are what’s at the heart of the matter here. YOU ARE WORTH IT.
    STAY.

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