Probably, based on recent posts, you are not surprised to learn that I spent 9 days in the hospital over the last 2 weeks. When I start sounding desperate, that’s when I go. You all probably know that while I’m flailing trying to stay out.
I am sad to say the hospital feels like a second home despite the indignities of check-in and living there. No freedoms, cough and squat, belongings pawed through at least once a day. But I get good care.
This time, after a short stint of 2 days in which I felt really good, I spent 7 days processing anger and sadness, as well as hurt, fear and loss. Once those had worked their way through my writings and ramblings to a certain point, POOF! the homicidal and suicidal obsessions disappeared. Thoughts remained but that is normal for me. The suicidal ones, at least. No more homicidal thoughts!!!
I’ll post some of the writings at another time. They really do show what I was going through, and what I am still processing about the separation and the beginning of a life that I didn’t know was coming.
One of the items of great importance to me was the significance of rings I wore. On Sunday after I got out and before I started in the outpatient program, I bought the ring above – my birthstone, a sapphire. It has meaning, and it is personal to me. No matter what happens to the rings I wear on my left hand, the one on the right can stay. It is me. And me is who I am trying to find. Again. As if I haven’t spent the last 3 years – plus the formation process in seminary and in the first ordained all – trying to find me.
<super-duper-lay-it-on-thick you-better-respond sigh>