Suicidal Thoughts Again

UnknownYes, I’m suicidal again. I’ve got a plan that is imminently carry-out-able and should cause no pain. A factor that has stopped previous plans.

 

 

Unknown

I’m sick of this. I’m drawn to this. I’m repulsed by this.

 

I talked though skills I can use because what was behind this particular impulse is that I would be heading back to work tomorrow for a few hours. I’m off program on Thursdays so I can see my therapist on Thursdays. (Insurance says I can’t bill two providers in the same day = can’t see therapist on same day in intensive day program. DUMB). Since I’d be off program I planned to go to work and then to my therapist, as though it was a regular Thursday.

Today I freaked out about returning to work, particularly if we ended up with another “don’t share your experience with the rest of the staff to protect them from your pain” talk or the “we’re not sure you are the right one for this job” talk.  Even if neither of these happened, there is the ‘mask’ of being ok that is expected. Perhaps – likely? – I created the expectation that I would look ok, even when I was unstable. I don’t know that I can show up, do work, AND appear unstable.

I worked out a plan that helped the urge to attempt dissipate. I’m not going to work together. But now sitting here, the bottle of tylenol next to me is talking to me. So are the prescriptions in the bathroom, many of which that would just send me to sleep without waking up.

I HATE THIS

How can I have the urge to die at the same time as looking forward to something in life?

 

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4 responses to “Suicidal Thoughts Again

  1. Deborah is safe. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

  2. Look at that beautiful ring on your right hand and remember that you are strong. I don’t know you, but I do know that you will feel better again. You have great insight… you truly know yourself… and you have a gorgeous ring to remind you of your self worth.

    Thank you for sharing so much of yourself on this blog. Take care.

  3. Deb. I can only say that you are holding on, posting this. I don’t understand everything that is going on with the therapist/work balance. Oh, God, Deb. I wish there was something magical.

    I pray – I hope – I strongly desire for you to be seeing a therapist that actually HAS HAD depression. Are you? My husband, a recovering alcoholic (10 years sober), who has had depression (and has an MSW in Addictions Counseling/LD/DD and is a therapist), said this, when I read your blog to him. He said, “I wish I could talk to her.” Not because you are an interesting case! Because people CARE.

    Deb, I know people surrounded you tonight. I am relieved. Don’t go to “sleep.” Do you think it’s sleep? Because I don’t. It’s not here. But I don’t think it’s the absence of everything.

    Do you want to avoid your job so much? Can your therapist suggest another work setting that would be more amenable to your current situation? I don’t like the fact that you feel a mask has to be worn.

    My dear friend and sister-in-some-kind-of-faith, KEEP REACHING OUT.

    Pills are not the answer. Suicide is not the answer.

    Love.

    I love you. Your friends love you. I know you probably can’t conceive of it right now, but you are loved and are surrounded by love.

    YOU ARE NOT, NOT, NOT, NOT, NOT ALONE.

    Tears are being shed for you, my friend. Stay strong.

  4. You are not alone, even though it absolutely feels that way at times.

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