I’m sad that I have bipolar. At the end of the year I’m evaluating the past year and I have some dark clouds that overshadow the spots of light. Bipolar won, it seems since I was in the hospital twice for a few weeks each. I separated from my husband. I didn’t lose as much weight as I wanted to – only 13 lbs instead of 25-30 lbs (I have a lot to lose!). I wasn’t able to return to exercising. I’ve been plagued with suicidal thoughts and urges, as well as with sorrow, guilt and anger about the separation. Work was still difficult to do, with concentration and memory being a problem there and at home.
I did find a great apartment though. And I learned a whole new way to manage symptoms and moods though ACT. Plus I got a tattoo (see below). And I still have my part time job and made it through Advent and Christmas without an episode.
Despite these good things, the New Years Blues are here. I’m sad that my life has changed so much. I miss living in hypomania and mania. Ever since that first suicidal crash in September 2010, my life has crumpled, my identity deconstructed and trying to reconstruct again, and my ability to function in the world constricted. I’m sad that I have bipolar and anxiety (and OCD, it turns out). It’s hard being depressed with suicidal thoughts All.The.Time. I wish I didn’t have these disorders. It’s my reality check every day unfortunately. As if I didn’t have enough that I feel sad about, I feel sad that I may not ever feel better.
So the year isn’t ending on a high note. Maybe this will pass for the New Year to start with a better mood. The depressed mood I live with is persistent though, and so I’m realistic. It likely won’t pass.
Time to engage Acceptance and become ok with what I experience. I can’t change it, but I can accept it and do things that are worthwhile anyway. That’s the core of ACT. I find repeated Acceptance helpful for living with all this.