New Years Blues

I’m sad that I have bipolar. At the end of the year I’m evaluating the past year and I have some dark clouds that overshadow the spots of light. Bipolar won, it seems since I was in the hospital twice for a few weeks each. I separated from my husband. I didn’t lose as much weight as I wanted to – only 13 lbs instead of 25-30 lbs (I have a lot to lose!).  I wasn’t able to return to exercising. I’ve been plagued with suicidal thoughts and urges, as well as with sorrow, guilt and anger about the separation. Work was still difficult to do, with concentration and memory being a problem there and at home.

I did find a great apartment though. And I learned a whole new way to manage symptoms  and moods though ACT. Plus I got a tattoo (see below). And I still have my part time job and made it through Advent and Christmas without an episode.

Despite these good things, the New Years Blues are here. I’m sad that my life has changed so much. I miss living in hypomania and mania. Ever since that first suicidal crash in September 2010, my life has crumpled, my identity deconstructed and trying to reconstruct again, and my ability to function in the world constricted. I’m sad that I have bipolar and anxiety (and OCD, it turns out). It’s hard being depressed with suicidal thoughts All.The.Time. I wish I didn’t have these disorders. It’s my reality check every day unfortunately. As if I didn’t have enough that I feel sad about, I feel sad that I may not ever feel better.

So the year isn’t ending on a high note. Maybe this will pass for the New Year to start with a better mood. The depressed mood I live with is persistent though, and so I’m realistic. It likely won’t pass.

Time to engage Acceptance and become ok with what I experience. I can’t change it, but I can accept it and do things that are worthwhile anyway. That’s the core of ACT. I find repeated Acceptance helpful for living with all this.





9 responses to “New Years Blues

  1. an honest portrayal of a life you didn’t choose…

  2. your tattoo is beautiful. I am so happy for you… I remember you talking about it ages ago. love and kittens (that’s how my dad signs off on all his text messages) for 2014

  3. New to your blog. This post is very touching, and very brave, thank you. I wouldn’t wish living with these feelings on my worst enemy, but I was very touched by your final sentiment “I can’t change it, but I can accept it and do things that are worthwhile anyway.” Very wise. We (humans) all share this, you are not alone in that by a long shot. Acceptance is right up there with forgiveness in the most powerful, healing things we can do. We gotta keep on keepin’ on. Happy New Year to you. I hope it’s not too early to offer a (hug). 🙂

  4. Awesome tattoo! I did not meet all my expectations in 2013 either. Bipolar and anxiety symptoms seem to be overtaking my life more than usual in the past few months and it just doesn’t seem to be getting any better. Even today and yesterday, which have felt like terrific days in my mind, I know are only possible because of mania, and it’s either going to spiral up into psychosis (especially if I don’t get some sleep) or I will crash back down into depression. Either way, it’s not an ideal place to be. But despite that, I am proud of a few tiny accomplishments along the way, and I have hopes for this year as well. I agree that it has everything to do with acceptance. We can’t always achieve what we want, but it’s good enough to try, even when we seemingly fail. I wish you the best this year!

  5. This blog was… how do you say it? Relevant!! Finally I’ve
    found something that helped me. Appreciate it!

  6. Outstanding story there. What happened after? Take care!

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