I can feel myself slipping toward suicidality again. Sigh.
A few days ago I was feeling surreal and disconnected from my body and the world. Spending time with people and out in the world, and waiting for the feeling to pass, was enough to come back. Or so I thought. It could have been an early sign of danger. But I let it go. And now I feel closer to the edge again. So perhaps it was an early sign to pay attention to something.
For the past few days I’ve stayed active and thought I was bouncing back from the surreal world. Now a big dip down in mood. Could just be a dip. Or not. History says not.
I’m taking notes in case this is my pattern. I can know earlier on that I need to seek treatment and perhaps with drugs, therapy, skills we can re-stabilize me. Tomorrow if I’m feeling this way, I’ll start making calls to my psychiatrist and therapist to see about boosting up my immunity.
Here’s a thought. If this is truly my familiar pattern of plumbing despair, can I respond in a different way? I’m used to using skills and reaching out to friends, then care team, and ultimately hospital if necessary. Am I doomed to get to the point of needing hospitalization? Is there something else I can do or be to make it through the thoughts and feelings until they pass? The skills I practice from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) should (emphasis should) help me through the feeling of wanting to die and the obsessive thoughts of visions of how to do it. As with other times, skills can be not enough.
So I don’t know what to expect. I’ll keep using skills and reaching out. Heads up, this may end up bottoming out again. I’m not ruling it out. Sigh.