I’m exhausted from so many med changes with great regularity for the last few years. While the staff at my hospital is wonderful and I enjoy seeing them, I always feel a bit guilty and like a failure when I see them again. I remind myself, and they remind me, that coming back is an act of courage, a sign of hope and life, and just a tune up.
This time I desperately needed some kind of med change. As it turned out, one of the changes that was made resulted in even more intense, intrusive, obsessive suicidal urges for an entire day, followed by a day with auditory hallucinations. The voices laughed and laughed and told me to die. They told me ways to do it. It was one of the oddest and scariest things I’ve been through. A saving grace was that I was aware that they were voices! Haldol – which sent me to sleep for hours – twice – and then made me sleepy the next day too – finally got rid of the voices and suicidal urges. I bounced back quickly after we reversed those med changes.
And so I am home today. A day to rest before going back to work. Pay bills, make a grocery list, read and watch movies, cuddle with my cats.
I’m exhausted from so many disruptions of my life. And worrying about what work will think and how they will respond. And the scary feeling of spiraling down.
A helpful insight from my inpatient doctor: I tend to downward cycle with the seasons, even when it seems I get more energy. In the winter, the dark probably leads to a downward spiral, even though I like the season. In the spring, the increased light leads to more energy, and I can put off a mood swing, but ultimately I use up that energy and crash. The summer is the same. It’s a burden to bear (since I don’t like summer), and then fall hits and the burden falls off. I get more energy and take on something extra. And then I crash and need care.
So my question to my care team: How can we be proactive about this cycle of mine? Is there something we can do with medicines or behaviors to head the depressive mood swing off, or less so that I don’t end up in the hospital each time?
No answers yet, but spring is around the corner, despite the subzero temps where I am. As far as being proactive, we may have to start a month in advance, so…