Hospital Diaries – Feb 5

Something I value highly: Intelligence ~

Part of me I value. I would miss it dearly if it was gone. I’m scared it’s gone, or not up to par. I earned degrees, read voraciously, talked ideas incessantly. I could make connections between topics at lightening speed.

Now I struggle to read – fixture or non. Focus and concentration are not what they were. Stamina is lower. I can eventually concentrate and focus and make connections but it’s not instantaneously anymore.

I’m missing a piece of myself, something so core that I feel lost. My abilities have increased slowly, so painfully slowly. I’ve lost hope that I’ll be as intelligent a I was before. And if so, what’s left? Who am I?

Was that experience of intelligence mania or hypomania? That means it’s really gone. And I’m really gone.

(This note was thought to be a bit of a goodbye letter. I’ve written several like it, but don’t have that purpose.)

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