I’m not doing well. It’s been building all week. Obsessive suicidal thoughts from the OCD are so intrusive it doesn’t matter if I’m engaged in conversation or activity. It’s always an option for me. Not that I want it, but I crave it with an obsession.

When talking with my doc today, she wants me to keep from isolating, take the benzo I have (which only makes me tired), and continue to use skills. The hospital is always there but she wants it as a farther last result.

But I’m working my butt off with skills. I’m exhausted from skills. I cried for hours yesterday at a safe place I stayed for hours. Finally could pact with myself to go home and just go to bed early. Hard but I still got to my outpatient program, where I heard the above from my doc.

Driving is dangerous, since I’m alone and crashing figures prominently in one of my obsessional visions.

Another example from today: I was at home picking up a couple things before going to a friend’s to be babysat basically. And I Almost overdosed. This is not funny. I’m so sick of this.

Sometimes they are just visions. Sometimes they are strong urges. I list reasons to stay, and when urges are strong the lists mean nothing.

I’m ashamed that I’m like this. But I can’t stop my brain. I just can’t.

8 responses to “Craving

  1. I feel the same way. visions, urges, thoughts, they destroy me, control me.

  2. I wish it was different too.

  3. Hello, I’m new to wordpress, and my diagnosis has only happened recently. In my latest suicidal phase I just clung to the fact that me comitting suicide would destroy my family and friends. They would blame themselves for not being able to help me. I resented my family for me not being able to stop the constant pain, but I am glad I resented them and stayed alive now.

    I don’t know if any of this was helpful, I know usually nothing is. I hope it eases up for you sooner rather than later. Get plenty of rest and just KNOW that this is something that will pass.

    All the best, I enjoy the blog


  4. It sucks to feel that way. I hate when instrusive thoughts just won’t go away and they consume everything. I have been having my own struggles with them lately and I’m over it, but they don’t leave.

  5. I hope you feel better soon. I struggle with those same urges and visions much of the time as well. Sometimes it’s a lot harder to fight than others.

  6. I hope you’re feeling better now. I liked (in a twisted kind of way) your phrase where you said you don’t want to commit suicide, but you crave it. That’s so familiar to me mto.

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