It’s Always Going to Be This Way, Isn’t It?

This is my bipolar brain.

I had a hard time sight-reading music at the end of a long handbell rehearsal. I couldn’t read the music, and I couldn’t count. That’s happened before, during a good rehearsal even, or at the end of a long rehearsal. And I immediately think, “My brain is always going to be this way, isn’t it?” I try to tell myself rationally that I’m still only a month out of the hospital and I’m still getting used to new meds. But I’ve already spent a few years dealing with running into thinking walls like this. And so I’m not completely out of line thinking this, am I? My brain really isn’t going to comprehend things the way I used to be able to. The struggle to comprehend happens when reading too, usually when nonfiction. I struggled with focus and concentration and memory when I was working too. It’s always going to be like this, isn’t it?

Another feature of my bipolar brain… Jumping to conclusions like my brain is always going to be this way. Or like I’m going to be lonely forever because I had a health scare that took me to the ER last night and I was alone (phone dying so not much time spent on social media). And I have a test tomorrow that kinda freaks me out and no one that I feel ok to ask to go with me. Some of that is grief from the marriage separation, and it’s also the jump to the conclusion that I’ll always be alone now.

I’m trying to tell myself that I’m setting a new rhythm, and last night’s ER interruption messed up that new system. And today’s day of rest messed it up, as well as seeing my dr and getting the news of yet another test just to rule out heart problems. And then having that test tomorrow, and will I be able to go to the gym again, and then go get my mani-pedi that I set for a fun thing for myself, and can I even handle going to an evening event on Friday, since tonight’s event being in the evening probably contributed to bipolar brain wall.

Do you see how the thinking goes into all sorts of directions? Some might be true. Most just projections, I hope.

I’m still stuck with the depressing thought, “It’s always going to be this way, isn’t it?” And how am I going to deal with it, if that’s true? How can I imagine a world with this limited energy and this limited ability in focus, concentration and memory? And accept it. How can I be optimistic about accepting it instead of feeling ashamed of not being myself, the self I knew for my first 35 years.

SIGH.

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2 responses to “It’s Always Going to Be This Way, Isn’t It?

  1. I’m sorry Deb. I understand, a bit. I am currently on ten different meds for asthma and blood pressure and as I sift through them all and still have an asthma attack I often wonder “Is it always going to be this way?” Just remember – our illnesses are not what defines us.

    • Well, the truth is that mental illness affects personality, actions, thought process. It really is a strong piece of what defines a person with mental illness.

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