A Familiar Feeling in the Mania

As I’ve struggled this past week with Mania rising again (pushed along by the prednisone for the rash, my dr says), I’ve experienced what I missed most about Manias Past: the mystical feelings of oneness with the world and the ability to foment ideas that could solve problems well beyond a normal person’s life or ability. I haven’t reached the very top yet, but I’ve seen it. And the heightened senses and sensitivities (even the skin) are very much a part of Mania for me. I just haven’t put those pieces together before, since this past month is the first time I’ve experienced Mania since being medicated for and educated about Bipolar.

Part of me is enjoying the wave. “Oh boy! I remember this. This is fun! There is purpose, and mystical unity which feels so good.”

Part of me is scared $}!~less. What if this goes higher, or I start behaviors with difficult consequences? I need stability. I know this. Sane me knows this. Sane me hates the Mania that clouds my thinking, possibly all the way to delusions and grandiosity. I don’t have energy, means, or cushions to fix manic consequences.

Then there is the potential mixed state where I’m feeling Manic AND Suicidal. All I need are obsessive suicidal thoughts (as happened in July) to be in danger of fatal consequences. If I’ve got the energy and grandiosity to pull off an act (Mania symptoms), and the OCD obsessing about suicide (don’t have to be depressed for this), then I could be in danger. Sane me jumps into coping skills and support systems. But a trigger that starts the obsession, could just as easily cause a delusion that skips coping skills and plans suicide with the obsessive visions in my head that the OCD gives.

Cue a death in the community this week (previous post). Just the kind of trigger that has caused confusion and ruminating. So far Sane me has been in ascendance. Let’s hope she stays. I wish I knew the way to keep her in ascendance.

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3 responses to “A Familiar Feeling in the Mania

  1. I’ve been having trouble with mania lately myself. The summer heat triggers this for me. Hold onto that feeling of not wanting to give in and do something worse. That will keep you from getting too overboard. That seems to be the main thing keeping me together, the thought “I don’t want to mess everything up again.” Cleaning up the mess after a manic phase is rough.

    I can also relate to your feelings about Robin Williams. I haven’t really known how to deal with his passing. It really took me by surprise. I just have to remind myself that his actions don’t have to be an example for others like myself.

    Hang in there, hope everything works out alright for you. Ground yourself. Remind yourself what’s real.

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