I’ve spent 4 of the last 6 weeks in the hospital. Makes it hard to keep up a blog! But I wrote for the Suddenly Bipolar book project while in the hospital. I also had to deal with a toxic patient. I’ve been with a lot of difficult patients. but this one was the worse. For several days my doctor and I couldn’t figure out how much of my anxiety was illness and how much was environment. I’m not entirely happy with the way the staff handled it, but the situation is water under the bridge now.
I think we have my meds stable to keep hypomania and mania under control, the mood states I’m likely to be in from now until Christmas. I had extra depression thrown in as reactions to drugs pushing my mood down too far. And suicidality resulted, which ended up in increased anxiety. And once the anxiety-suicidality link has been established, we have to focus on lowering anxiety to get rid of suicidality. The two are deeply connected. In my daily life, suicidality goes up when I get too anxious about anything. It’s hard to live with <said deadpan with as much sarcasm and snark as possible>.
Another hard thing I live with… Mood Changes. In the last 3 months, I’ve had 6 mood changes. I’ve learned how bad my moods are in the mid- to late-summer. And then had med reactions to prolong the process of getting stable into the fall. I also learned that the full moon and new moon also effect my energy. I’m more likely to be anxious or relaxed, but still have more energy at those times. So, I have issues with the moon and the position of the earth as it goes around the sun. Gre-e-e-a-a-a-t.
I guess the good news is we learned a lot about my illness. And I survived more hospitalizations. And my cats got mad at me for being gone. And my friends took care of me (and my cats!) during the whole thing.
I really hope I can have a couple months of stability before the next mood change in my usual pattern (depression sometime after Christmas). I feel like there’s a slight chance we can adjust meds in time to avoid hospitalization. But I’m so concerned about anxiety being a break-through manic symptom for me that it will be hard the whole time too.
Will this ever be easier?