It may not be the best time of the year to process the loss of my marriage (anniversary is in December) or the role bipolar has had in the huge blow up of my life and who I am (since December is a manic, mystical time for me and I miss leading congregations through them). Yet I process through art and speaking, even though I’m struggling with a delusion and suicidal thoughts. What I’m processing only adds to one or both of those feelings, but squashing the feelings and need to process only makes the feeling worse. They are coming out whether I process them or not. I guess I better process them.
I’m angry about how the grandiosity of manic bipolar had a role in decisions I made through my life, including the ones I made about becoming superwife to make a broken marriage work over many years. I’m angry that I put up with a bunch of stuff because I thought I could fix it, or deep down I secretly deserved it because I wasn’t good enough to fix it.
I’m angry about how the grandiosity of manic bipolar and the doom and depression of bipolar had a role in decisions I made in working with committees and in preaching when I was a pastor. Was that even me? How much of who I was as pastor was me, and how much was sick me?
I forgive myself of what I did in all these situations when under the influence of bipolar. Forgiving is not forgetting, and feelings of remorse surface regularly about both realities. I have and continue to let go of what bipolar influenced me to do. But I made decisions out of youth or just me at that time, and they need forgiveness too. Hence, the artwork to express feelings and begin processing what led to those decisions in the first place.
What was so clear in artwork today was that I’m so angry, and one of the objects of my anger is the role bipolar has played in the decisions I made about my life, personal and professional. Even though I’ve released myself of responsibility for decisions made under the influence, I still live with consequences and grief. I can still be sad about it. And angry about it. I’m really angry, in case you hadn’t soothed that out yet.