On Monday I went before a judge to finalize my divorce. I felt as though the whole experience was surreal. I was looking at myself doing everything. I had two friends with me. I was ready for that chapter of my life to be over.
But I was missing a form that I didn’t know I needed and had to reschedule for two weeks away to allow for mailing the form back and forth. At least the judge was nice about the whole thing and gave me the forms.
I was in shock for a while, and then irritation set in. Then disappointment and frustration. My friends took care of me and let me feel all the feels. They and I were both glad that I wasn’t unduly upset, but I didn’t know what was coming. I was so disappointed that the thing I had been anticipating for months wasn’t over yet. I felt angry too, that no one could tell me what forms I needed to get a divorce. It’s not like I could afford an attorney who would know all those things.
Finally I had to go home and I just went to bed, hoping for a reset in the morning. Unfortunately the next morning was a bipolar hangover morning where I spent most of the morning sleeping and couldn’t do anything that I would normally do. No gym, no getting together with people. I felt so out of sorts, and all the feelings of the previous day were stronger. I think I would have handled the situation without the intensity of the painful feelings if I did not have bipolar. Bipolar magnified them, but I managed them. I didn’t do anything stupid, and I didn’t get strong suicidal feelings.
It’s a couple days later, and I’ll just count down again and wait for the papers in the mail. I’ll still have bipolar and the bipolar might make the feelings more intense than other people might feel them. But I know that bipolar overreacts. I can talk myself down. I already have.