It’s the time of year for me to go at least hypomanic, but often manic. August is rough. But September is rougher. Because I’m likely to be manic at the beginning and then get depressed at the equinox right before or after my birthday. Clockwork since I was young.
Two days ago I noticed that I was beginning to feel hypomanic. I’m sure of it today. I hope it stops there and doesn’t turn manic. Then, when talking about my book based on this blog and all the emotional turmoil I’d have to put myself through to make it possibly publishable – with more stories and more feelings and taking people on the journey inside with all the darkness – I started feeling suicidal. Not just thoughts, which I get everyday, but suicidal, with the visions and plans I’m used to getting and the anxiety and the desire. Yesterday the feelings got very strong. I stayed with friends to not be alone.. I wondered about hospitalization again. I knew if I could just keep myself safe, I would probably feel better in the morning after a good rest.
Good morning! Yes, I am feeling better this morning and back on board with my “Not an option, never gonna happen” mantra. But the thoughts and visions are still there, with little desire. I want to live. Which would be my reason to go to the hospital if I don’t feel safe and want to feel safe again so I can go about my boring life again.
I don’t have a lot to look forward to. I do have a pretty boring life that I push myself through. I don’t even have writing the book anymore because it causes me such pain to re-live what I’ve gone through. Maybe I don’t have enough distance. I don’t have anything that really gives me meaning, except maybe my cats who don’t get along and I’m still training them to cohabitate. I would hate for them to have to go through another (and first) hospitalization.
Back to suicidal thoughts. If this process goes as it has in the past, I will start getting worse mid-afternoon with a peak in the evening where I’m most anxious and not sure I can bear the visions. Desire creeps in. So, in one sense, it doesn’t matter that I’m feeling ok right now. I get tired and forget my resolve in the face of darkness.
I don’t know if I should pack a bag to take with me to my therapist appointment today. I’m feeling ok now. I might not feel ok after we discuss all this in the session. That, and the mood switch. Because I’m hypomanic and possibly more impulsive along with the extra energy, I would have the energy to pull off an attempt on my life, or a completed suicide, more than if I was depressed and lethargic. So I’m worried.