Well, I’ve made it to the third day of my strict schedule of workbooks, expressive therapies, meals, gym time and free time. I’ve had a FaceTime meet up with one of my supportive friends, dinner with another, and now lunch with another today. I’m still feeling pinched for time and tired a lot. I think I would feel that at an official residential program, because it takes a few days to acclimate. And that’s what I’m doing in the DIY program. Still acclimating to the schedule. The highly detailed google schedule is a life saver. I just have to look there to see what I’m doing, for how long, and with whom. And I’m logging whether I’ve done it so my supportive network can keep an eye on me. And they are! Thank you!
I’m noticing that I wish there were staff to process stuff with. I miss that daily check-in and extra work with a therapist to work on issues as they come up. I’m journaling, but mostly as notes for what I’m learning and not thoughts on what I’m learning. I do miss the staff portion of a residential program.
The topics I’ve studied so far have been self-worth (from a Cognitive Behavior Therapy workbook on Self-Esteem that I had from my therapist to review), and Thought Delusion (from an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy book, The Happiness Trap, which is the therapy I’m focusing on). The self-worth brought up tons of stuff, naturally, since I feel worthless much of the time which leads to feeling like throwing it all up in the air and exiting stage left.
However, the ACT topic of Thought Defusion, which I know and practice not as much as I should, reminded me that just exchanging negative thoughts with positive ones doesn’t work. And don’t we all know that. Better – stop being fused to them and believing them and following their commands. Instead, notice them as part of the thoughts that the brain churns out regularly and move forward with your life anyway. You can’t stop the thoughts from coming, but you CAN let them be and move on. And when you find yourself believing them, you can defuse from them with various techniques like saying to yourself, “I notice that I’m having the thought that…” or singing the thought to Happy Birthday or Jingle Bells, or saying them in a funny voice or thanking the mind nicely for offering its opinion. It takes the power away from the thoughts. You can use these with images and emotions too.
I had the opportunity to use Thought Delusion a lot yesterday as the old story of letting go of life via suicide reared its ugly head. I was defusing like mad. Eventually the emotion waned, as they do, and the thoughts were left with little power. But the anxiety and desire were hard to get through. You don’t use the skill to get rid of the thoughts, feelings or images, but to move past them by just noticing them and doing something else.
Here’s to the next topic!