19 Days and Counting

19I’ve been out of the hospital for 19 days. I was lucky. I didn’t get manic over Christmas. I did get scared that I was going to have manic symptoms, but I kept busy and with people, and I think that helped me keep my mind off religious stuff and the possible mania. I did get hypomanic for a week starting before Christmas – stayed up late, spent too much money. Then day after Christmas…CRASH. Depression. As is usual for bipolar. For every up there is an equal and opposite down. Wish it worked the opposite way – for each down there is up, or at least a normal. But alas, no.

I don’t have a lot of optimism for the new year. I have plans with friends for New Year’s Eve at least. As I think toward the new year, all I see is the ever-revolving moods from severely depressed with suicidality to slightly depressed with manageable suicidal thoughts. And throw in a couple hypomanias throughout the year to make it interesting. I don’t trust that I can keep myself safe, or want to. I’m sure I’m pessimistic about the future because I’m depressed and feeling somewhat suicidal.

But it’s only been 19 days of some stability where I was fearful for much of it. Hard to say that I was stable when I was worried about becoming too manic. I was thinking that once the new year started, it would be time to return to volunteering and schedules between working out, volunteering, seeing friends, online dating. I’m scared I’m not ready. I’ve got a stack of books I haven’t been reading because I was knitting for Christmas. I can barely get myself to the gym. I can barely get myself something to eat, let alone good and healthy to eat.

Then I remind myself it’s only been 19 days. And I can ease up on myself. Maybe I won’t be ready next week to start volunteering, or to increase work outs to 5 days a week. Maybe I need more stability before I can return to volunteering. I wasn’t going to return to online dating until I’ve been stable for at least a month. And like I said, I’ve been out for only 19 days and worried about moods and been through 2 moods in that time. Maybe stability starts on January 1.

One response to “19 Days and Counting

  1. I like that. Maybe Stability starts on January 1. I wish you the best.

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