Eighty Days In

My longest stay occurred from early March to late May. I was mostly confident I could discharge since I was going to a friends’ house to stay and daily spend some hours at home for a couple weeks.

2016-01-18 21.08.16I was overwhelmed with my first time back at home, even with friends there. And then again today when there alone. It’s filthy, with even just one cat living there alone. I guess she really does need staff to look after her. I called a cleaning service but they are booked out till the following week, which is probably the case for most places. So, I’m looking for teens who need spending money. 🙂 I can’t do this alone. I’ve got to keep asking for help. I spent 80 days institutionalized. Living on the outside takes some time.

Some details about my time inside. My doctor increased my mood stabilizer and lowered my anti-depressant. That led to a depression that led to a suicide attempt. So we spent 6-8 weeks coming back up from depression. Then we tried a different mood stabilizer cocktail. That didn’t seem to help. Then we added an additional anti-depressant to help the one I was already on. That would take 4-6 weeks to kick in, and we figured I’d be out before it kicked in but ECT would speed up the process. So I tried one ECT again and called it quits. It’s just not for me. Never got results from it anyway. And as it turned out, I was in the hospital the 4-6 weeks needed for the second anti-depressant. Meanwhile I’m taking heavy duty prns to handle anxiety and agitation. Finally got a day of stabilization without having to take haldol or thorazine on a huge increase of mood stabilizer. I got sent home with haldol and accompanying drugs just in case.

Whirlwind, right?

All the while I’m in daily group therapy with a very good therapist. And we uncovered the shame and anger and embarrassment of being in the hospital again, of having and living with bipolar and having to ask for help. Lots to talk with my regular therapist about.

For about 9 weeks I felt like this:

Death is not. It is nothing

I am not. I am nothing.

I don’t want to die. I want to die.

Make it end. Make the thoughts of hurting myself end.

Make the emotional pain end – anger sadness.

I am less than human because of them – thoughts, feelings.

I am pain, a hemorrhage of negativity.

No one understands unless they know this darkness.

Black hole, sucked into nothingness from images of gruesome death.

 

Am I romanticizing it, or speaking truthfully from a hurting being?

I am not thinking of others.

Their pan will be deep and unending.

I will not be in pain anymore.

Whose pain is worse?

Do I deserve to be less human because others will have pain?

 

Advertisements

4 responses to “Eighty Days In

  1. Kathleen Krentz

    Deb, your poetry is powerful and I’m sure speaks to so many who suffer as you do. Among your many gifts is the ability to minister while you need ministry. It is humbling to a Type A like me to admit I can do nothing to relieve your suffering. You have been and are an important person in my life, and I’m grateful to Facebook for enabling us to remain connected. Please stay strong! Your courage overwhelms and inspires me. I send you my love.
    Kathleen

  2. Wow, 80 days! I can barely handle a week in hospital before I’m begging to get out, regardless if I’m well or not. You’re really patient and brave to endure hospital for so long. I hope your new meds will be more effective. I’ve missed reading your posts.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s