I hate to say “I told you so,” but I did tell you that stability wouldn’t last. Over the last week-plus, I slipped into depression, with fatigue, hopelessness, sadness, guilt, tearfulness, and the agony of suicidal impulses and visions. What seems different this time is that I am hopeful that it will pass and that I can find stability again. That hope is a HUGE difference! I still fall into utter hopelessness and think life will always feel as horrible as I feel now (and then I often pass into thinking of death as the only way to end such suffering).
I finally told my mom on Sunday how I was feeling, and she insisted I try to get in to see my psychiatrist on Monday. (I had already been texting with my therapist.) He was actually able to squeeze me in! He started me on a med that I tried last year that ended with a hospitalization. He thinks I was already feeling bad and was getting worse anyway, and that the drug didn’t have anything to do with the hospitalization. So, I’ll try again, under my family’s watchful eye, with my doctor on speed dial. He suggested a sun lamp too, first thing in the morning, as well as calling to get in to get some maintenance ECT. (UGH! ECT is NOT what I want to do, though apparently now it works for me…so I guess I should follow my doctor’s advice.) He thought the schedule of an IOP or PHP program might be helpful, but that I didn’t really need to go over coping skills again.
Both my psychiatrist and my therapist agreed that the time of year – the equinox – has something to do with what’s going on for me. As my doctor put it, “Spring is a fragile time,” and “The last 100 patients have had the same problem as you.” He said both spring and fall are the most fragile times (I’m sensitive to the solstices too – Gr-e-e-a-a-t), because it is the circadian rhythms changing. It’s nice to be believed about the time of the year being hard for me! Not everyone at my hospital in Illinois believed me, though the most important people in my life did. So, if any of you are having trouble at this time of year, rest assured that you are NOT alone!
All of this description and action plan just to tell you, dear reader, that I feel Horrible, from the pit deep in my solar plexus and spirit, and Empty and Ugly and Worthless. Leading to hopelessness and deep sadness. Right now, at least, I don’t feel suicidal. I’d like to think I could avoid a hospitalization this time.