I am not suicidal and I have all the hotlines on speed dial.

But there are guns in the house I live in. They are locked up, and I don’t even know where the safes are. I only have access to a few days’ worth of my meds, and the rest are hidden away until Saturdays when I refill my pill boxes. But other people’s meds are out in the house where I could have access to them. Knives and sharps are not locked up.

All these facts go through my head as I try to convince myself I am in control, and suicide is just a thought.

But it’s not just a thought. It’s also the feeling of wanting death and nothingness and unconsciousness, not just so the pain will stop but also because it seems like the time has come for my life to end. Suicidal feelings are Munch’s “The Scream” – silent, yet horrific, as they tear through the deepest part of you. You are a bottomless pit of dark, dark, dark feelings that spiral down, a corkscrew that drives deeper and deeper into the center of you.

Suicidality includes the impulses to use various items against myself that roll through me like ocean waves, or that jolt me like electricity. The impulses usually include visions of me hurting and killing myself in multiple ways.

I’m ashamed of having these feelings, impulses and thoughts. When I’m not consumed by them. In the moment, they take over and are the only things I experience. Sights, sounds, smells, tastes, touches, thoughts do not exist, only suicidal thoughts, feelings, and impulses. As these become less intense – and they do! – I begin to feel shame and guilt, as though I want these suicidal experiences.

And then, if I am able to feel something else, I start to feel fear, and anxiety ramps up. So, from being overwhelmed by suicide’s thoughts and feelings, I first feel shame, guilt, fear and anxiety. How awful! And from this head- and feeling-space I then question myself: Who am I, that I seem to be consumed by thoughts of death and of killing myself? Who am I, that I come under suicide’s power and don’t even take in other stimuli? And why do I think/feel constantly that my life will end early, most likely at my own hand too?

Suicidality as I experience it is this horrible, horrible, awful experience that pulses through my every day. Some days the experience is less overwhelming and only lasts a few seconds and then passes. Most days the waves of feelings last for several minutes each hour. How can I keep living this way? Why is there no treatment for suicidality?

36 responses to “Suicidality

  1. First of all don’t be shamed please. You are not alone. Hope you have no. Of suicide helpline handy. And hope you are getting help for yourself.
    Hang in there.

    Can I reblog this post?

  2. Reblogged this on and commented:
    I’m speechless.
    But someone needs to hear she’s not alone. ❀

  3. Reblogged this on Beckie's Mental Mess and commented:
    REBLOG: ALERT FOLKS! “Suddenly Bipolar” needs all our help! There is no reason to feel ashamed. You are never alone, especially here on this site. We make sure of that! National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
    Call 1-800-273-8255 Please contact the following if these thoughts continue. You’re not alone, there are several of us here on WordPress that had these awful thoughts and have gotten help. We are all here as one of the best support systems anyone could ever ask for… Come on everyone!!! Be a support to a blogger in need!!!

  4. I came after reading Beckie’s reblog, and I just want to wanted to say that I feel for you… I have been there, probably not for as long as you have experienced it, but I know what it is to stare in Death’s eyes, and even wish it would take you away. My door is open too, if you need to talk to someone πŸ™‚ Keep in mind that there is always light at the end of the tunnel, even if it is a little long to reach it sometimes xx

  5. Sending love and light your way. Don’t feel shame and guilt for the place you are in. The place is very dark and very difficult, but as the others have said, we are here to listen. Rant, rage and cry, but let it out. I’ve often had to watch a sad movie to be able to cry. Tears release toxins from your body.

    Find 3 things, even small to be grateful for each day and write them down. This practice has pulled me into the light many times. Sometimes it is near impossible, but clean air and fresh water count too.

    You are never alone.

  6. I don’t know what to say. I hope she has some one to talk to about it as her home sounds like somewhere that is a place of treatment. I hope she is discussing her thoughts and fears with professional carers xxx

  7. So many of us in the mental illness community share those suicidal thoughts, feelings, and impulses. It feels lonely and shameful, but it’s our shared reality.

  8. Hey there, you are not alone. I am just walking behind you. I too go through these feelings when there is the lowest time of my life. (sigh) I, somehow manage to overcome. If I can, you surely can too. Try a bit harder and whenever you feel like message me, we can chat over it. But don’t be ashamed of your feelings. You are brave enough to share this so you cannot be a weak person to submit to such thoughts. Please don’t give attention to your wandering thoughts.

  9. Pingback: SuizidalitΓ€t - Stimmungsjo-jo

  10. morgueticiaatoms

    You’re not alone. WordPress is a wonderful community for encouragement and support. Hang in there.

  11. Been there. You are not alone. Reach out to any of us ok?

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