Mixed Mood Blues

I’m relying heavily on coping skills such as distraction or grounding myself. But I really want to die. If I can hang on, the mixed mood will pass, which will make the suicidal images less intense (they never go away completely). My psychiatrist increased my antipsychotic med drastically a few days ago. And my therapist is checking in on me daily. There’s a bed waiting for me at the hospital if I need it, but everyone is rooting for me to hang on and cope through this bad spell at home.

Except I really, really want to hurt myself. I don’t have a good plan, and my access to any means has been extremely limited. But the various ways keep pounding through my brain relentlessly. I want something to work – a way out of life or a way to make the feelings and images stop. I’m still just trying to hold on, grasping on the ledge with my fingernails, despite coping skills.

My thoughts are singular. My access to any means is gone. I don’t want to live this way. I don’t want to live at all. And people telling me they care isn’t enough of a reason to stay on this earth. I believe my brain’s lies. I’m not in my right mind. I’m not ok.

9 responses to “Mixed Mood Blues

  1. I can relate. I know it doesn’t help much but maybe knowing someone understands will help. I get so tired of the pain. I want to spout cliches but i won’t i understand they are just words

  2. You are so honest! It’s really helped me tonight to understand what might be happening with my spouse who’s so angry and frustrated! Spouse is in the hospital with exhausting pain of perpetual mania. I am bipolar 2. Caring for somebody has motivated me to get help with some of my symptoms of wanting to die and wanting to hurt myself. I want to work for a new life with both of us coping and surviving this disease. I’m willing to work for it one step at a time one day at a time! I’m making a small effort today 2 clean up the Clutter of years. It helps to have support as we age. I’m 68. My spouse will be 69 tomorrow! We’ve been married 43 years and it could so easily and in divorce if I don’t take steps to cherish us! Everything symptomatic is temporary. Love is Here to Stay!

  3. Hey, I know what you’re going through. Reading through your blog has made me feel able to share my story with others too. Bipolar disorder is what is making you have the feels that you are feeling. DO NOT LET IT WIN. You are worth living. You are inspiring to others. You make this world better by LIVING in it. I know you don’t know me, so what the hell do I know. But, I do know. I’ve been living diagnosed for over 12 years, and have been bipolar for much longer than that. I was not so long ago in a deep dark place, but I had someone there to help pull me through it. You deserve to live. Email me if you want to talk.

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