Health Scare & Other Shenanigans

Well, I rang in the new year in the ER with pulmonary embolisms in both lungs. Turns out the shortness of breath I had been experiencing for weeks was neither allergies nor bronchitis, but blood clots. The ER and hospital stay experiences were anxiety-provoking whether it was getting blood from the same veins over and over, or hearing that You Have Blood Clots in Your Lungs! (And no one knows how I got them.)

From the anxiety and the very little sleep one gets in the hospital, to being in the ER and hospital at all and thereby reminded of all my psych hospitalization experiences, my mind was all over the place, though my mood remained stable (hallelujah!). I did, however, have the opportunity to evaluate and appreciate the facts that (1) I did want to live and (2) my body was trying hard to live – the survival instinct was hard at work. There have been so many times in my life when I wanted that survival instinct to just stop, and this time, I was grateful for it. Hallelujah again for more mental progress!

In the last month, even as I dealt with the shortness of breath, I also moved about an hour away, gave away about a third of what little I owned, and have spent lots of time alone and with my girlfriend despite her busy work schedule. I am acting more independently again, and my mood is still stable! It’s a strange experience, this stability, even in the face of so much change this last month. I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop and become unstable again. But I’m weathering life ok, and that is both a surprise and very welcome.

4 responses to “Health Scare & Other Shenanigans

  1. morgueticiaatoms

    I am truly sorry for all that have had to struggle through but yay, your will to survive is keeping your spirit up.
    I think so many of us live in the shadow of feeling stable but waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know it’s not healthy but with anxiety, it’s really not something I am able to beat. I know I can go from stable to rabbit hole in a week and it is terrifying.
    Only advice I have been given that works for me is to just take it a day a time, accept you are feeling, set a goal or a few goals, meet them and take a deep breath. The very nature of chemical imbalances means none of us know if or when that other shoe may drop. Just gotta accept the possibility and keep going best you can. 🙂

  2. Your positivity despite everything you have just been through is incredible!

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